I’m happy…but I’m sad,
I’m popular…but I’m so alone,
I’m brave…but I’m terrified,
I’m fine…when I’m not,
ppl claim they’re in my corner…but they stay to watch me fail,
I’m not the type to be “depressed” and I honestly didn’t even know I had anxiety. I’ve heard many stories from u guys about the assholes in ur lives and the hardship u guys endure every day, and honestly, I admire each and everyone of u. I know my problems aren’t as big or bad as most of u on this website, and it makes me feel like I’m ungrateful or spoiled to be living the life I have. I’m a Varsity Track athlete who sings and plays electric, bass, and acoustic guitar with two loving parents who encourage me to do my best every day, and I feel nothing but love from my family and friends. Most of the friendships I have r with ppl who truly r my soul brothers and sisters and my family does things like buying my 2 $800 guitars for my birthday and renting cabins in big bear for Christmas and New Years’! Granted, we r NOT rich, and these r rare privileges, but I still get to experience them. When I feel like I can’t do it anymore, my mom always pushes me to do it bc she believes in me. Most of u here may not even experience that in ur own homes, and I’m so sorry…

Sometimes, I feel like the problems I have aren’t real, bc I’m so used to hearing about “corky teens with depression and anxiety” as a trend, that I never really took them seriously… Today someone put in the effort to ask if I’M ok. I was so shocked bc usually, I’m the one who asks ppl how they r doing, and honestly, I’m not doing ok. It’s tough hiding this side of me for so long. It’s tough not bein as “normal” as I’d want to be.

People know me as the “goofy twin”. I’m lowkey mean to everyone, but only as a joke! I’d never bully anyone fr bc I have a big heart and I care for ppl too much. I love platonically and romantically way too quickly and end up getting hurt, bc I’m either trying to “help fix broken ppl” (as my friends and fam say) or I put my trust in ppl who only wanna see me fail. Never in my life will I lie or be fake to anyone and I work hard for what I want.

They don’t c the side of me that wants to curl under my bed and cry. They don’t c the me that gets so angry I punch the cement floor in my garage. They don’t c the me that doesn’t know how to handle stress. The me that feels lowkey insecure. I don’t let them c… When I feel like curling up under my bed and crying, I turn someone else’s frown upside down. When I feel so angry that I want to punch the cement floors, I squeeze my fists tight and let my throat burn till I cool down. When I struggle with handling stress, I act like I can handle it so my friends realize how “strong” I am. When I feel insecure, I hype myself up, knowing it’s not true. It’s true, I don’t let anyone’s nasty comments about my body (not that I’ve gotten any) or the way I dress get in my head, but the way I c myself isn’t how I feel I should look bc I’m trans. Sometimes I hate myself and sometimes I do look fire lol, it is what it is! Idk how to grieve. When I grieve, I make jokes and I tend to look like a heartless jerk, but that’s the only way I know-how. I don’t really cry unless I feel like I need to and when I do, sadly is when I’m happiest. Idk the feeling of letting all ur emotions jus fall out makes me feel happier than I’ve ever been.

But yeah I jus felt like venting cus I feel so so soooo alone and honestly I really really really want a girlfriend haha so who ever that future girl is, good luck bc I’m really goo at faking a smile 😉