I haven't written a blog post here in like a year, haven't even been on here in a year. I thought I deleted this account. And I haven't been here because my OCD symptoms have been non existent, apart from checking that I still do but nowhere near as bad as before. I'm writing this on a brink of a panic attack, I'm not sure what to do and I am really, really scared.

Today I woke up and the same thoughts I was having before started to come back, they weren't terrible intrusive thoughts, not overly sexual but based around the same person I had intrusive thoughts about. I don't know how to explain it, I don't like talking about the actual thoughts at all but they weren't bad. Until they got a little violent.

This lasted for half an hour, I tried to meditate, I tried some releases (I'm not going to explain what that is bc it's kind of hard to explain). I thought maybe if I kept myself busy they would stop, keeping busy is hard to do as I lost my job recently and find myself doing nothing. SoI got up and did my washing, it helped.

I'm really scared of this happening again, I don't know why it's happened. I don't know if I can deal with it this time, because it really messed me around last time. And yeah I still do checking, it's not as bad but it's getting a little difficult. I still check to see if they car is locked and pull the handle a couple of times but I don't go back a million times to do it again. I'm just used to that now so I don't really worry about it. But lately I have to check if my car will actually start, something is wrong with it, it's not a big deal and shouldn't stop the car from starting but I have to go somewhere everyday to check that it starts. Sometimes I have to check after cutting the engine, I have to start the car again. And I feel so scared before I get in the car and I'm starting it, it's really strange.

I'm not really worried about the checking, I can handle that. It's the intrusive thoughts that scares me. But as of right now after about an hour since this happened it hasn't started again. So I dunno. I don't know if I should see my psychiatrist, she told me the medication she out me on helps OCD, maybe I should up my dose a bit. When I started on that my OCD pretty much effed off.

But anyway, I might go for a walk now and try and distract myself. Actually feel better after writing.

1 Comment
  1. telknit23 5 years ago

    Might be the job loss increasing your stress which is feeding the OCD.  Also, of course, not having work to keep your mind occupied during the day.  Do you have an OCD therapist?  This might be  a good time to start some ERP.   You have the time to work on it, and maybe you can keep it from getting too much worse.   Good luck with this, and welcome back to the site.

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