I feel my life is at a point where I just don't know what to do anymore. Quite frankly, I am exasperated by all of the emotions I feel. I feel like my head is a prison in which I cannot escape. I just feel as if I need some relief, something to fix this. We've tried medications for my bipolar, but all it does is makes it so I don't feel much. I HATE not feeling. It makes me want to die. I am numb and I just don't have my own personality. But, without the medication I suffer with all of this guilt and sadness and anger and passion and love and desire and lust and want and sorrow. Every feeling bunched up to suffocate me. Guilty about talking about this or that, talking to him or her, saying this or that, wearing this or that, touching this or that. When does it stop? I just want to bash my head up against a wall because it doesn't ever go away. And even when it does, it always comes back. Even those people that can help me slow down mentally, it's not as if the emotions don't affect them.
I think electroshock therapy would be nice. I read it's actually not like in the movies, it doesn't hurt. I'm dead serious when I say I don't know how I'm going to live like this. It's madness in my head. EVERY emotion wants to escape. And they all bounce off each other so one causes another, etc. Why can't I feel like a regular person with no problem? I feel like I'm being tortured for something I didn't know I did. Even in my dreams I have obsessions. It doesn't leave me alone. I'm sick of people throwing the words therapy and medications around, because it's not the answer I'm looking for. I'm just looking for no one to mention it so I can whine, because no matter what I do a new knot is made. I just want to break down and cry forever and be all alone because it's how I feel inside. I know people love me, but I still feel so alone. I feel so ashamed of what I do and who I am and what I've done. I feel like that makes people hate me. Why? I just don't know what to do anymore. I read and I have obsessions, so that doesn't help. I play music and it doesn't go away. I sit and pray to God to please have some mercy and make me less of who I am so I can at least have some relief. I get nothing.
No, this is NOT a suicide note. I hate when people assume these are suicide letters. I don't cut myself, drink, smoke, do drugs, I don't buy hookers off the street. I just wish in my head that I'd go bash my head against the wall until my brain relieved some of the pressure. I just can't get out of my own head. It really kills me. Being alone at night kills me. I need someone. Physical closeness. I need someone to grab me and look me in the eyes and tell me that maybe this won't change, but that they would love me through the worst of it all. I make mistakes. I make HORRIBLE ones that hurt people because I lose judgement. I am SO sorry that I do that, but I just need someone to let me know it's okay and that I'm worth sticking with. God, I look in the mirror and I see a very young guy, but my head is so much more. Everything is wrong. My brain is wired wrong, my heart is too old, my skin is too young. It freaks me out. While everyone I know is out having fun, dating, going to parties, clubbing, whatever, I just can't STAND that. I can't stand it at all. I hate with a passion that life. Why does my mind and heart insist on being the older man I truly am not? It wouldn't be so bad if I could find someone, or any person, like me. Everyone else leaves me behind in the dust, and I don't blame them, they are young. But while you were partying I was learning to tie a tie, when you were hitting on all of those pretty girls I was at home reading the news reports and pricing out my next suit purchase. When you were waking up hungover at 2PM I was dressed and walked like I owned the world and tried my best to be a good person. I understand there is no fun in what I do to them. It just feels like I'm in a different world, another planet. A place where no one wants me, not just yet.
I only hope with time this gets easier. More managable. Something. Everything feels wrong. Like I was put in the wrong time, wrong place. Seems like everything that should happen can't because of the mistake time made. I don't get it. I'm so tired of it. I enjoy living, but it's alos so very extremely difficult to breath when each breath is a constant reminder of all that makes me suffer.