So, for the millionth time in my life my heart was broken. This time (not by Chad although he partially did as well) but by someone I met last week whoI thought really like me and that we really connected but turned out to have a girlfriend already. Why does that happen to me? Why can’t I find a guy I’m mutually attracted to that is purely single? I swear I am doomed to live a lonely life. "Like a drifter I was born to walk alone" said the Scorpions long ago, lol.
Unfortunately part of my Histrionic personality disorder states that I think of relationships deeper than what they really are or more special than what they really are so maybe that’s the case but if it was then why else would he talk to me and call me everyday and say he wanted to see me and say he missed me if it didn’t mean anything? It’s not like we slept together or anything, hell we barely even kissed! He made me laugh and I made him laugh, that was our way of "feeling good" when we were with each other and he even said that himself. Why why why?? I wish I had the answers. But I should’ve seen this coming. Every single guy I truly and sincerely like ends up being taken. The other guys that only want me for one thing turn out to be single. Now why the fuck is that?
I know the other day I realized to myself that I didn’t want a relationship until I could get my mind and my problems under control but it seemed as though with Fernando I was under control. It seemed as though he was my medication to keep me sane. Maybe I became to obssessed with the relationship? It’s not like I would think about him 24/7 or anything, though. I really hate this feeling because somehow I keep thinking back on Chad and how somehow, somehow every other guy I like seems to fall apart, as if fate has something to do with it. But it could be my mind just making it out to be more than what it really is. I really resent feeling like this! AHHH!!
So again I think I will pull an all-nighter and just make some coffee in the morning to keep myself awake. The other day I felt pretty fuckin’ depressed because that was when I initially suspected Fernando had a girlfriend and I stayed up until 5am and woke up at 8am. Yeah, then I snuck away (while my dad was sleeping) to get some coffee at the gas station and stayed up all day. I think I’ll do the same except for the coffee run because I found a huge tin of Maxwell House in one of the cabinets. Therefore, I feel like shit. Like complete and utter shit. Like every guy I meet is going to feed me some slick lines just to get into my pants and no one will ever love me for who I truly am. I really resent being goodlooking sometimes because males don’t see me for the intelligent human being I really am. Males don’t see a smart, intelligent, well read person who so happens to be naturally goodlooking. They see this slutty glamazon who doesn’t know the difference between Paris, Texas and Paris, France. It seems like when I meet guys and I start talking to them about myself they’re like, "Oh, she’s smart, too.". I sincerely and truly hate that. Another thing I hate is when people text and text and text even though I don’t frickin’ reply. It’s sooo annoying.
Anyway, I feel so much like taking a few sleeping pills right now. Luckily we don’t have any or else they’d be long gone into my system. I think I am going to starve myself tomorrow, or today rather just so the netxt time I see him he’ll eat his pathetic little lying heart out. As well as my ex boyfriend, too. Just that I don’t plan on seeing him but if I see people that know him they’ll pass the word on and he’ll then eat him heart out and regret every single thing he did to hurt me.