I'm trying soooo hard to try to move forward. Background…contamination OCD surrounding my 15 month old daughter. Particularly afraid of my own floor and kitchen after a rotten can of food got everywhere.

So I'am trying to plug along, can't take drugs, therapist keeps harping on me about the drugs. Says I am difficult to treat because no drugs and self-defeating and putting timelines on myself ( hard not to do when you have a one year old that wants to play on the floors). I am doing everything she suggests as much as humanly possible which probably isn't enough as I am always busy tending to my daughter.

Then a bad week always comes…husband blows up and packs up for a hotel, get into arguments with my sister and mother over OCD, locked us out of the house and had to deal with other people's phones and dirty cabs to solve the problem…and the worse one, my worst fears all together…

I wake up friday morning to my daughter screaming and having a seizure. Somehow, i managed to phone 911 and then had to deal with paramedics coming into my house ( no one is allowed over) walking with their outdoor shoes all over my house and right on my daughter's only play area ( a carpet on the floor), touch my contaminated areas and then touch her. Had to go in a dirty ambulance, with her in a contaminated car seat that I was trying to get clean but hadn't yet, into a dirty hospital full of sick children and then dirty cab home. I can't believe I even survived it but i did and the most important part so has she although she is still sick ( what I've been so afraid of) and feeling quite awful. Now when I worry about her getting sick, I can't just say that all kids get colds and flus and she will be alright, I get to worry about another seizure.  I get to feel guilty that I gave her the cold by taking her to the hospital ( she didn't get sick for four days after although she had a fever that we attributed to teething before). I get to know how awful it is when she is really sick instead of just imagining it.

Sorry for the crappy writing , just wanted to get that off my chest so I can continue to calm my nerves down and get this OCD back under control.

I really wish I was normal….