For starters, it's Pe19 however my login details got lost and it wouldn't send me a new password email so I just gave up to start a new account. So Hi all.
I feel I need to be on this again because I can't seem to get control anymore. I need guidance and help/support from others. I can no longer do this alone. I've come to conclusion I need to get back into therapy but when I rang, they suggested I'll be going back to CBT, which didn't work last time so I'm not holding out hope that it will work for me this time. I need something better. Medications didn't work last time so there's no point going down that route again, they fucked me up even more so no chance. I somewhat feel I haven't been properly diagnosed; I feel I have more than depression and anxiety. Yes my anxiety sometimes feels worse than my depression but I somewhat feel I maybe have a personality disorder or maybe even early stages of bipolar. I'm scared. The way I act seems unnormal to others but I feel the way I act is normal. I often will wish death on people or will seriously want to go looking for these people to harm them and don't care for the consequences for myself. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. I get extreme hate for someone that I let them control me by taking over my life so I can express my full hatred on them. I want to give this up. If it's a personality problem or anger issues or whatever, I just want this sorted. But CBT won't help this. Doctors don't care nor do hospitals as whenever I've been there they've just left me for two hours in a room then told me to leave. It seems no one wants to help me. Everyone's shutting it out thinking 'she isn't that ill so it doesn't matter' but I seriously think I'm more ill than what it seems. I get so annoyed, frustrated, angry, anxious and depressed when I'm right about people and no one elses sees it; almost like everyone else is blind to it, calls me paranoid but when it comeso ut I'm right, nothing gets done about it. These girls still win. I feel I don't belong here with these people. They don't understand me at all. I swear sometimes I should just be on another planet.
No one wants to help. I am trying to seek professional help because I know I have something more wrong with me. I just know I do. I'm 100x worse than what I was. No professional wants to help me. I need more tests and I asked for more tests, was under the impression that's what they was going to do. However, when it came to it, I got palmed off onto someone else, and they didn't even ackowledge it. I know online tests/questions doesn't count, but even says to seek medical help as they're may be something there. I did paranoid schitzo tests and go early stages of schitzo. I also did bipolar tests which suggest I was moderate-severe bipolar. So why when I try to seek the help to understand whether I do infact have these issues, do they not want to help? I pay my fucking taxes for medical service so why don't they offer it to me? FUCKED UP WORLD.