For starters, it's Pe19 however my login details got lost and it wouldn't send me a new password email so I just gave up to start a new account. So Hi all.

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I feel I need to be on this again because I can't seem to get control anymore. I need guidance and help/support from others. I can no longer do this alone. I've come to conclusion I need to get back into therapy but when I rang, they suggested I'll be going back to CBT, which didn't work last time so I'm not holding out hope that it will work for me this time. I need something better. Medications didn't work last time so there's no point going down that route again, they fucked me up even more so no chance. I somewhat feel I haven't been properly diagnosed; I feel I have more than depression and anxiety. Yes my anxiety sometimes feels worse than my depression but I somewhat feel I maybe have a personality disorder or maybe even early stages of bipolar. I'm scared. The way I act seems unnormal to others but I feel the way I act is normal. I often will wish death on people or will seriously want to go looking for these people to harm them and don't care for the consequences for myself. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. I get extreme hate for someone that I let them control me by taking over my life so I can express my full hatred on them. I want to give this up. If it's a personality problem or anger issues or whatever, I just want this sorted. But CBT won't help this. Doctors don't care nor do hospitals as whenever I've been there they've just left me for two hours in a room then told me to leave. It seems no one wants to help me. Everyone's shutting it out thinking 'she isn't that ill so it doesn't matter' but I seriously think I'm more ill than what it seems. I get so annoyed, frustrated, angry, anxious and depressed when I'm right about people and no one elses sees it; almost like everyone else is blind to it, calls me paranoid but when it comeso ut I'm right, nothing gets done about it. These girls still win. I feel I don't belong here with these people. They don't understand me at all. I swear sometimes I should just be on another planet.

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No one wants to help. I am trying to seek professional help because I know I have something more wrong with me. I just know I do. I'm 100x worse than what I was. No professional wants to help me. I need more tests and I asked for more tests, was under the impression that's what they was going to do. However, when it came to it, I got palmed off onto someone else, and they didn't even ackowledge it. I know online tests/questions doesn't count, but even says to seek medical help as they're may be something there. I did paranoid schitzo tests and go early stages of schitzo. I also did bipolar tests which suggest I was moderate-severe bipolar. So why when I try to seek the help to understand whether I do infact have these issues, do they not want to help? I pay my fucking taxes for medical service so why don't they offer it to me? FUCKED UP WORLD. 

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8 Comments
  1. bridgie101 6 years ago

    I think when you're a baby you're sane, and then you get all this data input, and you go insane, and you eventually become sane again somewhere over the age of 35.

    I'm becoming sane now, and I'm 45. Gee. So proud…

    So don't be too fazed if you're nuts. I think the questions I would be asking are:

    1. you want to follow the person and kill them – do you actually follow them? Do you actually attempt any of this stuff? Or do you just obsess about it for about 3 days?

    2. You get annoyed and frustrated at people being dumb, and when you are proven right they don't accept it properly.

    To me these pictures, if you are not actually stalking in real life, but just feel like it, are showing me a young person with passion.

    There are 2 kinds of young person. Those with passion, and those without. They're just born that way. They give a shit, or they don't. I gave a shit. I was a shit giving one. 😀 Hope this site has a filter!

    it's a harder row to hoe for the one who cares, because the world we are in, where nobody cares, gives no skills or techniques for handling the feelings you have, and you're stuck with these internal explosions and boilings up of intensity, without any way of knowing how to direct them. I had them well into my thirties, and I think a lot of activists have them. Having that fire in your belly is not common but it is still quite normal.

    The problems arise when you're trying to control six thoroughbreds and the kid beside you only has one donkey. Sure, they're relaxed. Sure, they're laid back. Wouldn't we all be?

    How have I managed to come out of it? Clearly I have grown out of it, by becoming older. But how did that happen? I think those things that upset me, I went through them. I let them happen to me (without doing anything about it of course) and that allowed me to process them. You really only ever get one thing truly once.

    Resentment of others 'winning' while being inferior: They don't win. That's the reality you find in the end. They might win in their 20s, or 30s, but by their 40s they are falling to bits. Finding this out by seeing it in the real world allows me to relax. I understand now. They do get their come uppance.

    Leave them in teh dark for as long as you can. 😉 You are in competition with these people, in the end. Competition for jobs, competition for lovers, so just play to win. Enjoy the excitement. Enjoy the challenge. Don't give the game away. Don't tell people anything they don't want to hear! Let them learn the hard way. If they don't want it the easy way, what other way is there?

    I learned somewhere in there that we're all boats on an ocean. You don't have to get all the other boats to think your boat is wonderful. You don't have to get the other boats to travel in the same direction. All you have to do is make sure none of those dumbass boats capsize you, or swamp you, or take you down. You just have to work out what you want for you, and go get it.

    If you take your focus off these relationship issues, and put it on getting rich, or something like that, a lot of your frustration will simply disappear. 🙂

    Oh – editing to say one other thing. I learned to be kind with other people's errors when I moved into a killer job and made errors for six months. I couldn't believe my own stupidity. I had to review my opinion of errors making you a loser. It's a common anxiety issue, thinking people who make mistakes are deserving of death by fire. It's part of the anxiety. But you can cure one thing and have it affect the other: letting go of your hangups cures you. So letting people make mistakes is part of curing the anxiety disorder.

    😀

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  2. pe21 6 years ago

    Hey,
    Both of them questions seem to be reasonable, and the answer to the first is no I never physically follow them, however I do get their Facebook and hurl a shit load of abuse at them including threats. I know afterwards when I\'ve calmed down is wrong, but if they\'ve pissed me off at that time and I feel so passionate about hurting them then they get verbally abused. It\'s my way of dealing with it if I can\'t physically hurt them but I know from experience that words can hurt people alot more than physical abuse. To the second one, yes, I get extremely frustrated that I seem to be the only one out of everyone who sees these people for what they are and when I\'m proven right which is like 95% of the time, I get so big headed with \'I told you so\'. People just seem to call me paranoid about these people or call me psycho saying \”well out of so many people I seem to be the only one who sees it this way so how come others don\'t see it? because it doesn\'t exist\”. I am very passionate but I still show it by not physically going after them, although if they were there at the time I don\'t think I\'d stop myself from harming them and that\'s the issue. I stalk them online then go after them verbally. I feel I need the guidance in how to handle these emotions and urges and if that includes anger management or that I do have further issues that I\'m aware then so be it but it would explain alot of my behaviour. I used to believe in karma but the fact these people are still around feeling no pain shows karma doesn\'t exist, nor have my prayers been answered for them to \'disappear\'. and thank you.

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  3. bridgie101 6 years ago

    You have to learn the easy way, or the hard way. But you will learn. It's up to you how: will you become a meme and go viral and be laughed at? or will someone come and beat you up one day? If you can feel this anger and have so little control, so can someone else.

    I'm glad you're worried about this, it's bad. what you are doing is wrong. You are bullying. If you find you can't stop fixating, turn the computer off and leave the house.

    Pinch yourself, twang a rubber band. Find something else to do. But do not allow yourself to bully people on facebook.

    If you force yourself to stop doing it you will bang into the reasons why you want to. And if you address those reasons, one by one, you will cure yourself of this desire and you will grow.

    And then, when your opinion isn't something others have learned to hate and fear, people will listen to you. You have given yourself a reputation. You've earned a reputation. You have to earn a new one by changing your actions for a long enough time for people to feel you are a new person.

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  4. pe21 6 years ago

    You are so wise. I do know it\'s bad so it\'s not like I do it and think I\'m normal and its okay, I recognise what it is im doing wrong I just to think of a way to stop doing it. I do need a new reputation so people will know I\'ve changed. And it\'s such a good idea, I stopped myself the other day I was about to go on but good enough for me my laptop was dead and so was my phone so it prevented me but I had my charger so I stopped myself charging them up to go and be evil to them. It\'s just I feel they get away with it as they say shit about me and nothing is done about it but I say shit to them and go overboard and all of a sudden I\'m the bad guy. My life is just so frustrating right now. But I do like the idea of just getting out the house and maybe even run it off

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  5. bridgie101 6 years ago

    good on you my dear. You now have an angle in to this girl who cheated on her boyfriend in the other thread: she felt like it at the time and didn\'t stop herself. Much like you. She enjoyed doing it. She knew it was wrong, but she enjoyed doing it in the moment, so she did it.

    You two have both got the same problem.

    I learned a way of living in the last 5 years. Never say a single bad thing about anybody. Ever. No matter that you think they\'re a prize dickwad, a jerk of the highest order. Never say a bad word to a soul.

    This creates a feel, after about a year, for other people of you being wise and kind and sage and sophisticated. It will take you a year though: but they will stop badmouthing you much sooner than that. They will let go of you.

    You have to understand, and it took me a long time to understand, that if someone does something bad to you, it\'s generally because you have ALREADY done something bad to them. You might not know what it was, but that\'s why they\'re doing this. So for you to have a go at them makes it uneven again, and they owe you one more.

    You create a constant war. If when people do something horrible to you, you ask yourself what you have done to them to start it, and you are prepared to be honest with yourself about this, then you will often find the way to change what you are doing, to make it stop.

    If it\'s your fault you can change it, and if it is not your fault, you can\'t change it and you are a victim and stuck with misery for life. Taking blame is much easier, quicker, and you get happy way faster. And you then get to do what you want for your life.

    Great news about the holiday, sorry about the rotten luck though! 😀 Lucky you got home alive. We\'ve had a rotten spate of tourists ending up dead in New Zealand lately – taking wrong paths in the mountains, freezing to death. That sort of thing.

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  6. pe21 6 years ago

    I get it a bit where you coming from with us being same kind of minds in impulses. But she had a relationship with this person she cheated with for months, but soon as shes pregnant he wants nothing to do with her so she runs back to the person she knows will want something to do with her. Kind of just to have that whole \'I\'m not doing it alone even if I don\'t really truly want to be with this person\'. It\'s sad because people believe her. She did bad enough to cheat and go with loads of people and then get in a relationship that resulted in a baby and then come back and everyone just accepts. How do they trust she really changed?

    I try not to say bad about people but it just never happens. I take so much if not everything personal. Everything said to me is took to heart and I only know to defend myself with lashing out back with verbal abuse. Is this looked upon as anger issues?

    But the only thing I can think that I ever do \'bad\' to them is exist? As it normally because of my ex, so they trying it on and I get involved so its more like they hate me existing in his life? So I guess in a way they jealous, so I\'ve already done something that I couldn\'t control and was inevitable as they are jealous of me?

    This is exactly what I struggle with, taking blame is something I\'m working on, but forgiveness is an absolute struggle to me. I can\'t seem to forgive people that have hurt me in the past. Whether from bullying me in school or saying stuff afterwards and interfering to ruin my life, I can\'t forgive them.

    Thank you so much. I feel lucky to have made it home alive! And oh no that\'s not good. I was very cautious and aware for myself and my surroundings. I had plenty of maps and signs to show me where I was and was wanting to go so I didn\'t end up in the suburbs. I think I can say I\'m very independent and wise when it comes to things like that. Feel awful for the people who lost their lives in New Zealand though.

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  7. bridgie101 6 years ago

    People won't believe her. They're just keeping their mouths shut, waiting for this guy to wise up. He is the one they want to keep, and if they want to keep him, they have to accept his girlfriend. He might marry her. Best to keep their mouths shut or they won't be invited to the wedding. This is ESPECIALLY true for FAMILY MEMBERS who can be disowned, rejected, thrown away for 20 yrs for not liking the new wife. It's a cliche it happens so often. Any parent or sibling with half a brain keeps very, very quiet over any misgivings they might have.

    So you barging into this issue like a bull in a china shop will require to be shut down, as a matter of urgency. It's not personal to you: it's just that you're potentially smashing their family. They won't allow you to ruin their family and if they have to get rid of you to save it, that is what you will be forcing them to do. You need to wise up and tone it down. Don't force them to choose between you and their own survival.

    I know you are wishing to be honest, but honesty does not require telling people what you think. You can be deaf, dumb and blind and still be honest. Honesty only requires that the things you do say are not lies. They can be vague. They can be irrelevant. They merely have to be not lies. You certainly are free to, nay obliged to, pick and choose amongst those things that are true, before speaking to any human being alive. And if you look you will always be able to find something positive to say. The baby is pretty (by definition of the word 'baby'), or those jumpsuits look adorable. You will be able to find something that is true and positive that you can come out with. Anything that is true and negative, you need to shut away in your private mind, and maybe tell your best friend, provided she isn't part of this group.

    This includes facebook: so you hate someone. So what. Be silent about other people. The urge will pass and you will be glad you were. Focus on your own life and don't look over-interested in what other people do.

    As to lashing out at people: this is the quickest way to be hated and avoided I know. Not just by the people you attack, but by every single person that witnesses it. People don't like complaining about you, so if they do it, it is because they have to either complain to you about what you're doing, or else get rid of you from their lives. So you need to take what they say on board, and be glad they chose not to just automatically jettison you without giving you a chance. Instead you're looking at them like an enemy, and misjudging them constantly, and then attacking them, and ignoring all of the help you are being given. That's not going to make them want to be around you, is it? You're burning all your bridges.

    You need to do a lot of work on you and the first thing you need to do is stop judging everyone else. Forget about them! Ignore their misdeeds and start paying more attention to your own. How can you expect them to behave well if you aren't prepared to? Lead by example. Improve yourself, stop looking over your neighbour's fence and clean up your own yard.

    🙂

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  8. pe21 6 years ago

    I\'m totally annoyed that I just wrote a massive essay and now it got deleted because my internet died. 🙁

    I just don\'t understand why people would tolerate that knowing they don\'t agree. Why not have an opinion. Why keep mentioning about it how amazing \'she\'s having a baby\' … yeah someone else\'s that has nothing to do with you :/ just frustrates me that I seem to be the only one who sees this. I just don\'t understand at all. I can\'t speak to my best friend as my best friend is my ex and he is involved in this situation so much. I don\'t understand how they\'d keep her and not me in their life when I\'ve never done anything that bad. I\'ve never cheated and got pregnant then come running back. I just see logic of this and it\'s not nice as they going to bring up the baby as their family when that\'s lying to the baby. If this person wants to eventually come back, hows that going to be good for the baby. This isn\'t the baby\'s fault so I don\'t blame the baby. She\'s playing with peoples lives and it\'s not fair. The baby might learn that this isn\'t it\'s real family and that isn\'t their real dad. If she did decides to leave as she has become strong enough to handle it alone, then the family are going to be left picking up the pieces as they have all got attachments now. It isn\'t a good idea at all and yeah I understand keeping quiet but it\'s not fair to know that there\'s broken things and they just trying to hold it together for a baby. It will eventually come out its broken and never got resolved and the cracks will show. That\'s not good for the baby or for the people getting attached. I.e my ex. He doesn\'t stop going on, I don\'t really care to know about it. If I keep hearing I will eventually burst and I don\'t want that so I need them to stop going on about it. It\'s happening but they can least leave me out of this stupid plan.

    I do judge people an awful lot. I put situations together and see similarities so I shut them down straight away. I said it about this girl and it proved true but no one wanted to believe me at first. Just wound me up. I do judge but I end up being right so how can I learn to not judge then it ends up being exactly what I would of thought and too late by this time. I just need to learn to stop being judgmental of others.

    I do have some good news after all this, I managed to pass university and get into my second year 🙂

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