It’s been almost a month since my bf went back to Mexico, leaving me alone with the baby inside my tummy. I can feel the baby moving…pretty often nowadays. This makes pregnancy more real. However, I felt terrible. I miss my bf and hope he’s here with me, especially when I’m expecting his baby. I start to hate him, little by little. I always forgive him when he ignore me but not with the baby. He is totally a jerk if he doesn’t even care about his own blood. Last night, I was crying like crazy…couldn’t sleep…I felt like I’m dying and I’m praying to God, to Satan…to whoever that can hear me, to help ease my pains. No one seems to answer me last night.

Back to my bf…What is he doing there?…Well, just drinking…smoking…playing billiards with his drunken friends, go dancing with girls…eat out…go shopping…absolutely single man things without thinking about his baby and me. And I am stupid enough to still love this guy and send money to him to spend over there. Recently, we bought a house and split paying half-half for the mortgage and bills…well, since I’m still going to school full-time, and pregnant, I cannot take care of the mortgage alone. And that’s also the reason why I want him to come back and work. We have a small saving account but it won’t last forever…He has only 2 weeks vacations permission from his boss but now it’s 4 weeks.

My bf thinks his boss likes him and will never fire him. This is not the first time he took his long vacations. First time is year 2005, for 1 months and 5 days…Second time is year 2006, for almost 2 months and this time, 2007 for 4 weeks as of today. He is so sure his boss won’t say anything and accept him back to work WHENEVER he comes back…isn’t it sound stupid? I think it’s very very stupid and have no idea why he and all his family think it’s O.K.

His boss and I come from the same country. We speak the same language and he’s very kind to me. Coming from the same culture, I believe I know exactly what he thinks. I am a reasonable person, I follow and respect rules…I was so curious why his boss didn’t fired my bf last year. Then I figured out because he was so busy with opening his new store and has no time to pay attention to all workers. This year, in December, I had a chance to talk to him and he said he won’t allow my bf to take vacation more than 2 weeks this time. He already spoke with my bf and seem like my bf understand everything very well. He comforted me that my bf will come back soon. “Don’t worry…I will take care of everything for you” he told me.

I called his boss again today morning. I want to know whether my bf talked to him about his coming back or not. Actually, I want him to call my bf and tell him to come back to work and threaten to fire him. The answer is “NO”…then he told me “I’m so sorry this happen to you especially this time when you’re pregnant but I don’t think I can take him back to work” so, I know my plan is failed hahaha…well, I respect his decision though, and definitely would do the same if I were him. Since he said he haven’t told anyone yet except me, I decide to keep it secret the way he wants. Now what…, I have baby coming, mortgage, bills…and my school…my tuition…??? What’s about his promise to get married with me…??? Wonderful wedding ceremony and party…??? A plan to remodel our attic and buying new appliances…???

First, I was panic…but it’s last only about 15 minutes. Then I realize that someone has already answered my prayer. What I really want is the revenge. I want my bf to lose everything…I want him to fail. I want him to pay for what he has done to hurt me and my baby. I want him to know what it feels like when he has no money to spend. How it feel like when it is “no money, no friends”…I hate all his friends…they are fake. I want his over self-confidence to stop. I want him to know the wrongfully support from his family is all bullshit. I want him to learn, it’s not O.K. to fucking go back to Mexico every fucking year. Just for relaxing, devastating the money and doing fucking nonsense things…His family asks me if I felt so sad when he’s in Mexico, why I don’t follow him…well, it’s waste my time…(and money)…I have no desire to go there again AT ALL after I was there for only 2 times. It’s pitiful.

I was calm down now. I feel a lot better and have no need to know when my bf wants to come back anymore. I think all I want is justice. A person who did bad thing…fucking play with life, will get bad thing in return, will get fuck up life in return. It’s Karma. It’s all I believe now. I did many bad things too and I’m paying for it…I’m accepting all the consequences and I think my bf needs to learn this too.