Yesterday I went to see my parents, friday was my moms birthday.  When I got inside the house and saw my dad standing there I almost thought I was somewhere else and then mom had been sleeping and when she walked in and my heart skipped a beat.

They both looked like they should be in the hospital, they were so weak they couldn't walk straight, so weak they hadn't eaten because neither of them felt like cooking.  My sister came and she cooked for them thank goodness.  They look so tired, their faces in pain….

My mom said the new heart medication they gave my dad wasn't working and this was the third one they've tried.  He can't have dialysis on his failing kidneys because it will put too much stress on his heart and they said one more heat attack will be the end.  He's worried about my mom and my mom is so worried about him.  He wasn't feeling good but couldn't put his finger on it…my sister believes his heart is just not able to keep up with him.  She's a doctor so she should know.  I'm glad she comes to check on them a lot but she's going a few hours away to work during the week and I can't get out there cause I have no car.

I worry whenever the phone rings that it's bad news and I know that day is coming quickly I just don't know  if I'll live thru it.  My mom has been my best friend all my life, my dad the rock we all depended on.  My dad used to come home from work (retired detective) when I was younger and would sit on the edge of my bed and say "is there anyone I need to punch in the nose today"?  It would always make me smile because I knew he was totally serious.

I forgave my father for all the abuse he made my sister and I endure most of out lives about 4yrs ago and our relationship immediately became close and sweet.  I still think I will never be prepared for this to come about and I know it will tear my heart apart.  I wish I could see them more but I call them and see them whenever I have a car and try to help out as much as I can.  They love to see my grandkids so I take them with me when I go.  I wanted to move in with them to help them out but was told no thanks I guess they just need their space and time with each other and I can understand that I just feel like I'm not doing enough.  I will feel guilty and that guilt well I'm not good at handling things like that, my depression will go thru the floor and I don't know if I'll ever get back up again.


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