Here comes the first installment of my blogs on the subject of best friends. First, I'm gonna talk about Jane*, mainly because she and the events surrounding her are some of the main parts of my current depression. In the second blog I'll be talking about Mary* who is my current "best" and pretty much only friend…although that seems to be coming to an end as well. And if I decide to do the third part, that will be on the time before these two, back in the days of kindergarten through middle school. It's kind of like Star Wars, all out of order.
Aiiiight, here goes.
I met Jenna when I was 17 and taking an Italian course at my community college. At the time, to give you a little bit of background, I had recently broken up with a boyfriend, and lost pretty much every single one of my friends because I was turning out to be so different from them. I was the kid who loved piercings and tattoos, who wanted to have boyfriends and be kissed and who wanted to go to parties. The group I was associated with in high school were just the overachievers who were completely fuckin perfect. So around that time, senior year, I was really, really depressed and feeling very, very alone. (The year before, junior year, was what sparked my initial depression…but that's another story.) So I meet Jenna and we start sitting together in class, then signing up for projects together, and soon smoking pot all the time together on campus with some of our new friends. We quickly became best friends and never missed a day of hanging out. Whenever we weren't together, we were texting all the time. And we both had abandonment issues, weight issues, family problems, all the same stuff, to a T. We just understood each other, and it was the best friendship I've ever experienced. But, then something happened. We realized that we had feelings for each other beyond just friendship, and my senior summer was probably the best i've ever had. We were pretty much a couple, much to my surprise. Who would have ever thought that I would be bi?! Or was I gay? Who knew? But then at the end of that summer something changed. She became anorexic and I soon followed. Our depressions came back, but hers got so much worse than mine right then. She started cutting, didn't eat for up two two weeks at a time (at least I was eating enough to get some nutrients) and a whole lot of other stuff. And then she started to stray away from me… said that the whole us thing wasnt working out, but she still wanted to be friends. But then she ended up in the psych ward, twice, for trying to kill herself and not eating. And after that my Jane was gone. Something changed and I still don't know what it is. And now the only time she talks to me is when she wants something. But I miss her so much I still act like I'm not angry, when on the inside im screaming, wishing she would tell me what i did to her to make her do that to me … she ruined my life when she left, and i don't mean because of the romantic aspect at all. she was just my one true friend, i thought, and without her i had no one to talk to again, and even though she used me as her therapist i was left without a friend, but with plenty of her baggage on my shoulders.
And to top it off, I don't even know what that relationship meant. I don't really consider myself to be gay or bi, I guess it just means that it doesn't matter what sex someone is, as long as you have a strong mental connection that's all that matters? Because to me at the time it just felt right, specifically and only because it was her. If it was some other random girl who i was friends with i probably wouldnt be attracted to them romantically, but simply because it was that one person it worked. Also, I'm scared to think of myself as bi because i've pretty much always known i want to be a mom. I just can't picture myself old without a white picket fence, husband and a couple kids, you know? I mean, I know you can adopt and all that stuff, but I want my own kid…birthed and raised. And if i'm bi, what if i find my perfect partner in a female instead of a guy? But anyway, these thoughts are for another blog, another time.
God, there's so much more I want to say about Jane. this blog has only touched the tip of the iceberg, with all the things that happened between us to lead to a more severe depression. But basically, the main thing i guess is that even now that we don't really talk much anymore, whenever we do all it does is stir up my still raw emotions of hurt, betrayal, loneliness, anger, frustration, sadness, and plenty more because of how she left me high and dry. And I hate that I cared so much about her when apparently she cared nothing about me.