Wow, last time I tried coming onto this site, it was under construction or something! I was all upset because I thought the sight wasn't around anymore, I'm really glad that ITS STILL HERE!!

Anyways, so I hope everyone is hanging in there. This past month has been insane.My fiance Eric finally got a job at the some military base here in Jersey…so he's SET….as for me…not even a bit. Eric and I have been living in my father's house since we left our first appartment together this past August, once Eric found this other job, and plus we wanted to save money for a nicer, bigger place, like a HOUSE…so lets see, now Eric is employed, knows what he wants to do, LIKES IT…and here I am…I art school graduate witha BFA…basically its like I didn't even go to college…I have hardly a portfolio that I would want anyone to see, because the last two years of my college, my family was falling apart and when I'm depressed, I CAN'T DO ART…so what I have is an array of uncompleted work that NO ONE WOULD WANT TO SEE. I have been trying to make NEW work, but I keep running into the same problem…I just CAN'T seem to get myself to SIT DOWN, FOCUS, AND DO ART WORK. I'm such a LOSER…this is the ONLY THING I'm good at-art, and now I can't even do THAT….meanwhile Eric has finally found a job, and is WORKING WITH ALL THESE OTHER GIRLS WHO ALSO HAVE THEIR CAREERS AND LIVES figured out, and here I am, out of school since this past August, and I've ,made pretty much NO progess….WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I would rather clean houses before EVER setting foot into a retail store EVER AGAIN…I HATE SALES, and I HATE working at a store, and right now, I feel like thats the only thing that I'm fit for doing. I have a part time job, teaching after school enrichment classes three times a week, but thats NOTHING, its really nothing, and its only $15 dollars every time I do it. I've also do some art modeling maybe once a week, but again…what the hell is that? What am I doing!? What am I going to DO!? I'm 24 years old and I have NO IDEA what I want to do, and I'm completley depressed which means, I CAN'T FOCUS ON MY ART WORK…Eric keeps telling me that "Its ok, I don't need to get a full time job right now, just focus on my CAREER, and try to complete your projects (I've been trying to write two stories that I plan on illustrating)…but I feel like that idiot who has ALL THESE GREAT PLANS, buit NEVER follows through with them…THATS ME…and I don't understand why I have to FIGHT MYSELF to follow through with things, its like I just don't have it in me to DO things, maybe I am just cut out for working in a retail job for the rest of my life, even though I've always had these dreams of being an artist, and an illustrator…I just can't see myself doing any of these things…my other art friends can bang out work like CRAZY, it takes me MONTHS to do ONE PROJECT…how patheTIC…Eric still believes in me, I don't know why…he says that he has enough money to support us, buy us a house and all that, but I feel like such a LOSER accepting that….I just wish that I was still in school, that I had MORE STRUCTURE, that I had some kind of IDEA, of what the HELL I' going to do with my life…..I'm so lost and I feel like such an idiot trying to sit down, and do any of my art…it just feels fruitless….maybe Eric shouldn't marry me, maybe I'm not in the right stage of my life for him to marry me, because I STILL don't have a career or KNOW what the hell I want…maybe he would be better off just marrying one of those freakin girls at his job, who already have it all figured out and who have real jobs…..i just don't know

1 Comment
  1. Jessealuvseashells 10 years ago

    I don't totally know why he's staying, but right now, I feel like its just a matter of time before he leaves me.  He does treat me very good, he always has, and that makes me feel worse because I feel like because of my OCD I don't give him what he deserves.  It makes me feel better to know that there is another girl out there like me who is engaged, who is wanted.  Because I feel like no one like me would ever be wanted by a desirable man.

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