The other day, I got a package in the mail from my mom. It was a journal, and she told me that she thought it would be a great way to get thoughts out of my head. I've thought of journaling many times, but when I do try things like that, I never continue them. But I'm determined this time to keep it up.

What I've been writing so far is just some background information and describing my daily struggles. It definitely does feel good to get it out of my system a little bit. One of the concerns that always seems to come up in my journaling is my grades. I've known since I started college that this has been my biggest issue, but I never really bring it up with others. I feel the need to share, even though opening up is not one of my strong suits.

In middle school and the beginning of high school, my grades didn't matter a huge amount to me. I always tried my best, but if I got a B here or there, it wasn't the end of the world. I noticed my obsession with my grades developing toward the end of my junior year, when I started thinking about college. This really wasn't a big deal, though, because high school wasn't difficult, and you didn't have to do much work to pull off an A.

Since I've started college, my perfectionism in my academics has become uncontrollable. Nothing is good enough for me, unless it's perfect. Getting B's in college is inevitable, and most people are okay with that. To me, that would be the end of the world. I know that I'll probably get at least one B this semester because I have a lot going on and a heavy courseload as well. For some reason, when others come to me complaining about their grades, their issues don't seem to be a huge deal. If someone else gets a B or C, they can bounce back without problem. However, if I was the one to get a B, there would be no hope. The rational part of my brain keeps saying that it's okay if I get a B on an exam, but the irrational part just says "IfI can't even succeed in school,I should just drop out. There's no point forme do be here if Ican't even do well." This is an issue that part of me hopes to get resolved, but another part of me worries that if I stop caring as much, my grades will go down, and I will fail. The most frustrating part is that I know it's irrational, but there's nothing I can do about it.