Right now I'm sitting in my dishevled house, with hunger pains and a lump in my throat. I'm trying not to cry while accepting the fact that after finally getting married, my husband loses his job and we have to sell the house. We have moved 4 times at this point, over the past 5 yeras that we've been together. First to a loft apt, then back to my parent's basement (which was a living hell), then here…after buying a HOUSE together. Having this house has been very hard and it is also in the middle of nowhere, where there are no jobs. Yes, it's crazy expensive, yes it is a ridiculous amount of work because we took on a house that was big and needed a lot of work….but just recently, I've started to finally feel like this is my HOME. Home is a word that changes for me quite a bit. Its meaning is one that I'm afraid I'll never get to fully experience. I've had my own kitchen for 5 years, my own space, my privacy and independance for 5 years in this house. I've had more than enough space for everything I own…now we'll be living in one room…in his parent's basement. Suicidal thoughts are always swirling around my head, they get very intense and scare me.
The title of this blog post is "Never Ending Chain of Bad Luck," because since 2009, my life has been constant pain, constant emergencies. 2009, my mother left for 2 years and my parents went through a nasty seperation-I took over motherly duties at the house. Next, I graduate and can't find work, I have a severe nervous breakdown and am almost hospitalized. Then my btother over doeses and is rushed to the ER. Then my dad falls 12 feet off a ladder the morning that Eric and I are in our new house…and almost dies. He was in the IC Unit for 5 days. He lived and has no issues now other than no sense of smell…but still..I almost lost my father. Then my brother is committed to McClean Hospital's OCD Clinic in Boston. He was suicidal, has addiction issues, along with severe Depression and OCD. After a month, just when he's finally adjusting, my mother's insurance company changes and they deny him coverage…he gets thrown out of the hospital. He's in an inpatient program that isn't doing much now.
All of these things, plus Eric losing his job almost every year for freak reasons (he was never actually fired), and then the other day my mother hits her head and goes to the ER, she's fine but since then my OCD about her dying has come back at full force. I almost had to call her last night at 3 am to make sure she was still alive and OK. I'm losing my house, my home, and going from having my own home to living in a basement.
On top of having trouble finding work, myself, and all these things happeneing over the past several years…I feel like I'm cursed. I keep getting thoughts that the next thing to happen is death. Death or disease…terminal disease. I keep getting thoughts that either it's going to be one of my parents or me. I feel like my parents are going to die really soon…or my brother, who is already suicidal and on 5 different meds AND drinks. I'm so scared. What if this is true?What if I am cursed for some reason and death or disease really is next? You know those people who it seems like everything bad happens to them? I've met people like that. Now I'm afraid that I'm one of those people.