There are many things I write on here and it probably sounds like I am not on medication..but to be honest with you..I am on medication..I’ve been on medication since 1999 and I still suffer with depression..I am up two medicines now…I honestly feel that depression is for the strong..because everytime you think you have it under control.it has has you under control..Before I know it I can’t get out of bed.Before I know it I can’t turn on my computer..Before I know it I stop answering the phone…Before I know it I start getting mad at the sun for rising and I start getting mad at the birds for chirping because I am not feeling happy…

I am the only person that wants to wrestle the sun because it rises and I start thinking “Why is the sun rising if I’m feeling like crap”…but in many ways for it to rise everyday is a way for me to realize that I should get off my butt and do something…whether I know what it is or not..I know I’m supposed to be doing something…It is easier to give up than it is to get out of depression…

Many people say to pray..but I think that even God has trouble with getting someone out of depression…To lift my two hands up to say a prayer like “Our Father”…feels like im lifting up a ton…Most people can easily pray..and I’m not saying that I don’t believe..I was raised to believe..I do believe..but I find it so hard to get myself together to say just one prayer..My God…isn’t praying supposed to be easy..It only takes just five minutes..or less..

I went to the store today and it happened again..I shut down in the middle of the street…This time a car came close…Why does this happen? I have tackled this head on for years..This was the core reason I got on medication..because I went outside when I was around 19 and I freaked out so much in the street that I held on to the street pole..home was just right across the street and I felt like I was going to die if I let the street pole go…I live in nyc..This isn’t a city for this..I was born and raised here..If you suffer with anything..you just don’t show it here..because it is a competitive city…

I honestly feel like I’m trapped in time most days…because everyone is living..People are taking charge of their lives and their past is a big difference from their present..I am still stuck..I was stuck when I was a kid..stuck as a teen..and now stuck as a woman..

I remember someone once said “the time to change isn’t when you’re ready..because then you’ll never be ready”…When you suffer with depression and anxiety you are never ready..Never..You honestly just have to leap in with both eyes closed….

Depression is like a dark hole…When all my interests are gone..I have nothing…I feel most of the time like I have ADD..mainly because I can’t concentrate…I can’t read a book..For me that is bad because writing was in my heart since I was 11 years old and now the inspiration is gone..and I used to be able to read one book in one day and now I can’t read one page..It makes me feel stupid…