i just have a lot of things on my mind its kinda complicated though. like, theres my friend, steve, who is also my karate instructor. well, hes not only my instructor, hes practically my big brother. i love this guy like a bro and i trust him with my life, literally. i know hes always there for me. and the way i feel if probably partially because i havent been on meds for about 8 months and its probably takeing its toll on me, but lately i find myself asking the question if steve even wants me to be at or take karate. its nothing major its just a combination of little comments that he has said over a period of time. like, he had first told me that he noticed that i didnt seem like the same katie because it didnt seem like i was putting my heart and soul into karate like i used to, and i can partially see this because of my no meds binge has been affecting my life. i just seem to not enjoy things that i used to. and i hate that because i love karate with all my heart and i will do it until i physically cant do it anymore. then the other day he made the comment that i need to come into teach the little kids more often because they really need the teachers. i get that because, hey, they do. then today we were cleaning up after one of the little kids had had their bday party and we were moving a bench and it was steve and mr. smith (another karate instructor) and mr. smith was like “katie, could you get the door” and steve was already there and he was like “its alright, ive got it. its not like katie does the much around here anymore” and i just looked at him with a hurt look on my face and he was like “well, you dont”. and i didnt know what to say to that. its just things like that, that makes me wanna cry. karate it basically my life. it i didnt have it, i, in all seriousness here, probably wouldnt be alive. i would have killed myself from my depression long ago. but karate it where i take out my aggression and i get to hang with people that really care about me, and they let me know it too. god. i dont know anymore. things are just getting really confusing. life is just comeing up way to fast and i dont know what to do to stop it anymore. it just hurts so much sometimes and……..i dunno. i just dont know. im gonna be starting on new meds hopefully soon, and im hopeing that it will help me go back to the way i was. back to when i enjoyed life in general and when i couldnt wait to go to karate. it used to be the highlight of my day and now i basically could care less if i go or not. like, i used to put up a major fuss if i wasnt able to go to karate, but now, its just different. and i dont like it. not one bit. and steves not the only one whose noticed that ive chaged. liesl has, and so had amy and amber. it hurst me to know that its that noticable to others. i dont want to crash, but i feel like im headed that way. im just trying eveything i can to stop myself from ending up back in the hospital. i dont wanna do that again. it was boreing and i got sick when i got back home.

im also thinking about going back to church…..or at least attempting to. i feel like ive been away for far to long. and sure, i dont agree with somethings the church says, but hey, who doesnt? but i figure its where i was happy because i was doing another thing that i love. singing. which i havent dont for a while. and not doing that makes it feel like something inside of me has died a little. but i want to try to feel whole again, so im gonna try this. wish me luck please!

xx
katie