Hi There:

I am just anxious in general and it helps to blog. Actually in some ways things are going better, but I am still VERY anxious.

I have started the job doing home health care, but I also applied for 2 part time Nanny jobs. One couple called me back today and offered me the position. The other family I met yesterday, just emailed me back, because I told them about the other family that offered me the position.. And they said they just started interviewing other people, so they said to take the job I was offered. I really liked the second family better, but oh well.

But my OCD/BDD has been acting up quite a bit lately. I have been reading some more books lately, but I think it goes in spirts, especially when I am more anxious. In one of the books I was reading they were talking about sometimes how people can obsess about inane things, for whatever reason last night I obsessed for about 1 hour where I bought a can of Root Beer. I just couldn't rememeber. I was able to talk myself out of it eventually, not sure why it mattered anyway?? But for some reason I just couldn't let it go.

While my therapist is pretty easy going, and a bit of a softy. My MD is more tough nosed(or is the term hard nosed, can't remember) but plain and simple, he is no non sense.

He was sort of pissed because I have been calling him too much, and he told me he does not want a play by play of my life. While I don't think he meant it he said someone who calls as much as I have, sounds like someone who needs to be in a hopsital(I know I don't need to be in a hopsital). I think he was more frustrated with me and I really can not blame him. I thought about what he said and I need to get the calling under control.

I am also kind of angry with myself as well, and really upset about this. I have let go about the womans comments who said I was too thin about me in the running group.

But several months ago I put a picture of myself on the hotornot website, my therapist said its probably one of the worst things someone who has bdd could do. I agree. But the thing was I went on a few days ago to remove my picture, because I think the website is kind of stupid.

But when I was taking my picture off I saw my score and now my bdd has been horrible again. Not that the score was bad, but even with the bdd, and my irrational thoughts about my physical apperance, the score they gave is not how I truly feel about myself(I felt under estimated) It also wasn't what i wanted them to rate me(can't control other people, and its not like they are putting intense thought on my looks when they are hitting a # on there screen. They are probably drinking a diet coke and chips, like I am when I have rated people on that site in the past) But now I giving the 160 or how many people who voted a lot of power over one picture, and the pic was not that great to begin with. I am tempted(BUT WILL NOT) too put another picture on, but it would just feed my bdd. And its not like I use this site a lot, I really do not. But there have been times where people rated me a 9.3, and although its a little triggering too write, b/c it does take some of the power out of it that last recent score was 7.1

I  don't know if anyone has any advice, but now wherever I go I think people are thinking I am that score. And I am MOST ANGRY at myself for putting a picture of myself on there, b/c again its probably the worse thing someone with BDD can do. Its like I can not forgive myself for doing something that was somewhat self destructive. I also felt like when I told my therapist the score, he was agreeing with there results.


The other thing is I really had stop checking my score in the last few months, but once in awhile they said you emails for people who would like to meet you. And the other reason I took myself off the site is I don't want to my potential partner from hotornot.

Bottom line: No more of the hotornot website.

I am glad I am becoming busier, because my mind goes in 6,000 directions when I am not(can't you tell?)

In the past I volunteered at an animal shelter(not sure why I stopped to begin with) and I  called them again, I really love animals, and I start again Sept 5th(just one day a week). I am also starting a bowling league in late Sept. Its good to keep networking myself.

Again another thing that is frustrating with the bdd, and not too sound full of myself or arrogant(my therapist said if I was arrogant or full of myself we would not have this problem) is that almost on regular basis people comment about my physical appearance in a postive way. In some ways, this enables my bdd. The thing is I have been on the flip side as well. When I graduated high school I was 220lb, people can be hurtful.

I almost don't like to be this candid, because in some ways it makes me vulnerable & I don't enjoy being hurt(High school was brutual for me) But I am in better shape now then I am in some of the pictures on this site, and I am worrying some people might think, this guy is not really good looking. Again I can not control what other people say or think. And does it truly really matter anyway?? And putting more pics of myself would just enable my bdd as well.

But giving other people too power has sadly handicapped me in the past, to the point of not being able to function at all(and being on disability). I think as I continue to stay involved, don't keep myself in my apartment things will get easier. Because for 10 years I hardly left my apartment, and I am out and doing things NOW. I am still having a hard time adjusting. Which is probaby normal.

One thing that saddens me and I hope people will not say he is complaining about being nice looking. Is in high school I was not attractive, I had a crippling stutter, I had no real friends, I was bullied day in and day out to the point where I did not go to high school 5 days a week, and now treat me better or nicer because of my physical appearance, especially in the gay community.

 But sometimes people are bold and overbearing as well, especially in the gay community. I think this has added to my OCD/BDD some. I have been to a few gay guy happy hours where people have grabbed my crotch, or a guy in the gay running group told me I am very tan, but why aren't my inner thighs tan(roll eyes) As I was talking to my doc, and I agree he said this is why sometimes the gay community does get a bad name. Because this behavior is just creepy. There has been other creepy behavior. So I am not running with them as much.

And there is another guy in the running group and while someone said he is hiv postive I believe he has full blown aids. He has been pursuing me. I Have no/zero interest. He has open lesions all over his neck. Sadly, he continues to play Russian Roulete with his life.

Sometimes I think it would of been easier if I was born straight.

But to be franky honest when I walk into a room I still feel like the heavy kid in high school that no body cared much about it. My physical appearance has changed, but my heart/spirit is still shattered/broken some.

Keep rooting for me, because I need all the support I can get and I am a good guy. And the good news is I am a 28 with my full life ahead of me. I just am still going through some "growing pains"

One thing I have learned through my struggles that everyone is a "little broken"

I have got a lot of anxiety going(so I think my mood above is appropiate), but in person you would not really know.


And the thing I am most proud of is every 5k run I have done. I have placed first in my age bracket. And I have just started to run competitvely.

Worse then having OCD/BDD, and struggling with anxiety is coming from a family that has truly provided with *NO EMOTIONAL* support. But you find surogate people and move on, but its tough. And lots of people come from tough/rough childhoods, so I keep reminding myself of that


1 Comment
  1. JenCat 14 years ago

    Hi ! I understand where your coming from on the OCD part. I have trouble letting go of thoughts. I tend to think things to death. I think your doing the right things, in trying to deal w/ all this stuff in your life. Hang in there. Your not alone. Jen

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