I don’t want my job and I don’t want to live in this town. When I say this people always come back with “well do something about it.” You know what screw you I am tired of trying. I am tired of always having to find that one thing that won’t make my day royally suck. I am sick of kissing the backside of a woman who honestly should never have been allowed to get past potty training let alone manage and office full of people who dislike every part of her character. The only reason I keep my job is because I need help with my OCD and I can’t pay for it on my own.
I don’t understand why every day I have curb all the thoughts and words I wish to use because they aren’t appropriate. I don’t comprehend why people can’t or won’t say what is on their minds. Why is it that the thoughts that go on in my head are wrong? Why can’t I just tell you straight out that you all act like children who run to me every time you have a problem and refuse to go anywhere else. Why am I the bad guy or the “upset one” when I say please don’t come to me I’m not your boss. The angry red head at the end that is your boss. When you tell her what is on your mind she will more the likely make you feel horrible. Then find a way to make you pay for interrupting her Facebook time. Yup that is your boss now leave me alone I am sick of being an adult.
That is all I have ever been is an adult. I never had a childhood because my parents were children and my friends were children. Everyone wanted something and I just couldn’t say no. I just wanted to be their savior. I wanted to be praised I wanted that moment where I could look in their eyes and see love directed back at me. All it has ever gotten me is a dirty apartment, a shit job and mental illness. I am sick of always saying “oh well it’s a two way street and I’m partly to blame.” You know what I’m not to blame. All I ever do is take on everyone’s blame because I can’t help myself to stop. I take this all on then go around counting, tapping and performing a number of ridiculous rituals. Some of them know and some of them don’t but for the ones that do, WHY? What compels you to be that crass of a person to believe treating me like your own personal therapist with no reciprocity thrown my way? Please don’t tell me it’s because I let you. I let people do a lot of crap I shouldn’t because I can’t help it at the moment. You are a fully functioning adult who should just know better. I am so sick of not understanding why people are the way they are and why they can cause so much pain and just walk away like it never mattered to them.
I don’t want any of this anymore. I want to quit my job, my OCD, and this entire world I have created around the thought that this is all there is. I want to run away and find something that makes me feel. I just want to feel anything but my life draining slowly down the tube of mediocrity.
You know what I want most of all which is astonishingly simple is for one friend just one to go to a concert with. Hell at this point a perfect stranger who won’t murder me would work out fine. I don’t have that anymore I used to have that but she died and the other one well the other one is more trouble then she is worth. Everyone else I know comes back with the excuse of “oh it’s so late and I have to work tomorrow,” or my all time favorite “don’t you think we are a little too old for that?” Oh my god were not even in our 30’s yet and somehow we are too old to go yell at the top of our lungs the songs we love and yearn to dance to as if we were having seizures. Am I the only one left in the world that is longing and looking for that perfect moment when a song fills you up you need to scream what words won’t express? When did we all trade in our will to live for mortgages and bank loans?
I am so lost in trying to understand why there is this belief that our lives have ended and worth laying to rest beneath a ranch style house with a refurbished bathroom. All I want to do is live my life so completely that it burns. I hate that right now I can’t even bring myself to muster up the desire to go outside. I hate that the people who don’t have what I have choose to throw it all away and then complain to me that their lives are empty and hollow. I despise the people you have become and envy that you live with clearer minds and hearts then I. I look at you and I honestly fear for what we all will become and what we have already let ourselves become.