Fog takes a long time to clear. I woke up this morning, just like the past three mornings, to a thick haze of fog outside my bedroom window. I could barely see a thing. The star tree just beside my room, the pool with the pointless cover. The sun doesn\'t seem to shine through my window anymore and I can\'t help but to wonder if I\'ll ever see it again.
I talked to my therapist yesterday. He said the same thing as the last time which is still great advice. But I spoke to him about my current problem–I have a few steps I still have to climb and one big one that I never seem to get any closer to reaching. Like a five year old during a thunder storm I need my parents\' company while I sleep. I need them in the living room with me or I stay up in an irreversible panic. My therapist\'s advice? Be patient with yourself. Cut the ties. It\'s just another step. You should expect a panic attack when you go to sleep in your room.
His diagnosis for this situation is that I\'m afraid of being afraid.
When I got home yesterday I was determined. I was going to sleep in my room. Afterall, I\'m a grown woman who has no excuse. But then why am I so terrified? I don\'t like being alone. I can\'t stand the thought of it. Sleeping alone is like dangling me over the pit of Hell.
After thinking about it, I fell into a panic attack and cried and cried and cried…I could feel all the progress I have made slipping away each minute.
So what now? Am I just not ready for this step? If I don\'t take this step will it just get harder for me to climb? What if I never get ready?
So here I am this morning, several steps behind than what I was just a few hours ago. I can\'t help but to feel weak. Discouraged. Disapointed in myself. I feel like a failure, like I\'m an embarrassment to my family–to myself. I want to be better now. Yesterday. Two months ago. I wish this had never happened to me. But I have to be patient with myself? How long do I have to be patient?
*Sigh* Patience is a virtue that I have yet to gain. Instead I gain fear. More and more irrational fear.