Do you ever feel like you're it? Just because someone is on disability doesn't mean they still don't have worth or value within the home or in the community.

I'm in a household of six and I am looked upon as the person who does laundry, meals, house work, taking care of two dogs, and doing yard work. I don't feel underpaid because what I do offsets room and board. I know I'm appreciated, but only to an extent. The worse thing for me over the 8+ years is for the first time in my life not having my own transportation.

I have no problem using the bus as a means, but unless I'm going on a direct route, I would have to transfer buses.

I have no one to blame for the circumstances that occurred in my life that brought me to this point, and God only knows I've asked for forgiveness for myself and all those around me, but then I fall into these melancholy moods and start with the old feelings of hating myself, hating my behavior that caused it all. Then I start asking for mental relief as an out, like I just wish I'd fucking die and not have to worry about it or think about it anymore.

Being on disability doesn't mean you can't work, but it limits you as to how much you can earn without losing your disability. Sometimes I just want to get a job, but then I realize that I probably wouldn't be able to hold down a full-time job based on my mental limitations.

Family cannot understand why I isolate. I enjoy being by myself with the dogs. I can think clearly without the indulgence of bratty teens that are loud and obnoxious, and so very disrespectful in their egos. Like the world revolves around them and the world owes them everything.

I don't normally blog, but today I just needed to get it out to relieve my mind of the pressure of everything going on around me.

Thanks for listening to me vent.


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