i lay on my bed, resting untill i felt slightly ill (that overslept feeling) because couldn't go out to the one activity i have to do, again. i can't function. i'll only ever live in my head. i have a favourite method to die in my head. i have it planned incase i need it which is the only thing that calms me down but it would take so much time i don't think it would work anyway. anyway, thinking about that isthe ONLY thing that saves me from what my mind puts me through when i'm isolated. the world is full of disgusting people and the hate will probably make me one of them. i'm only ever nicebut no one likes me. how have i got a chance? if me being nice scares people, am i supposed to be horrible? what the hell is life all about? is it a mean game of survival of the fittest? i think it's just that i have no instinct whatsoever of how to function. all my instincts are wrong. i don't understand what people want andi really really hate everyone with some sort of pain. everyones disgusting, and probably so am i for being greedy and wanting everything for myself without putting any effot in but i can't put any effort in because i'm starved of love and basic reason to live. no one needs me and i don't feel like anyone enjoys me being around. i can't enjoy other people because i'm so scared of them not liking me like they always inevitablywill (not like me).
do you ever feel like people bully you with their eyes? that's what stops me leaving the house. and also the fact that i don't have a person in this skin. people look for a person inside and there isn't one but im trying the best i can to formulate something up. they dont have the ability to read me because they have never felt in the slightest what has tortured me all my life. people think im hiding from them but i have nothing to give them because i don't even know how it works to talk to someone. i've talked to morehealth proffessionals/ councellorsthan i have people. i can't do it and i dont know what to do. they don't teach you how tomakefriends at school! what use is maths and english when youdon't even knowhow to connect with people!