Life is a gift. A lot of people probably would tell you I did not ask for this gift. Did you have pain during the Civil War? No I was not alive I did not know the option of pain, loneliness or despair. I like many people wish I could die. Selfish maybe but the thought of living is unbearable. The thought of going to hell is not a pleasant thought but one often wonders if we are in it now?

I have these moments in my life where I want family to help me and when they say sorry no. I question myself as a person. If I was living in a cardboard box would you stop to help me or would you just walk on by. The sad case is they would just walk on by. They would say that I deserved it. That I have a mental illness and, I am not fit to be around their children. That they feel that one day I will just snap and mom and dad will end up dead at my hands.

They do not know that I have never hurt anyone but myself. That I have thought of them and there children for every family event but, can’t get a call when it comes to my birthday.

That I honestly now feel that I am evil and do not want to be on this earth to cause anyone anymore pain. I grew up with the usual shit that happens to people like me. I have forgiven the people who have hurt me however, being the one who was hurt I am looked at like I am at any point going to cause the pain that happened to me to someone else. You wonder why people such as myself want to die. I pray for it. I want to be put out of my misery. I have learned no matter how good life goes, how much money I make they, my siblings will never love me.

That my friends is just life. That is it in a nutshell. I think deep down in me is this kind loving person but they have not been seen from some time. My fears are that I will end up homeless. I pretty much feel that way now.

1 Comment
  1. ladygreen 11 years ago

    I am sorry you are having a rough time. People who do not struggle with depression, etc. simply do not understand.  Sometimes they try, but mostly they think we can just make it go away or they think we are crazy.  It is much easier for the to judge than to face their own demons.

    I have been stuck–begging God to just let me die.  I thought that was the worse but then I truly hit ROCK BOTTOM.  And the weird thing—that is what saved me.  It took that for the reality of wanting to survive to sink in.

    Oh, I still struggle.  It is day to day.  Some days are OK,  a few are good and a occassionally horrid day.  Depression and meds are a part of my reality but they are not all of me. The users / abusers / those that always talked about me in negatives  — they did  tremendous damage—–just about destroyed me.  And the worse thing I enabled them.  Never again.  I am absolutely determined that I will not give up, I will not give in and I will slowly become my best realistic self.

    There are truly toxic people–people who you simply cannot be around without it keeping you crazed.

    The most important family is not necessarily the biological family we are born into.  It is heart family–the people who choose to be a part of each other's lives, to care about and for each other, who love and support each other regardless. Some members of heart family may also be biological family but most are not.  Heart family is hard to find but it is real. Just keep reaching out and somewhere, somehow, someone will reach back.

    Never stop believing in you.  Trust that voice inside of you-that always knows reality.  You are of value.  You do deserve a good life.

    I sincerely hope you will find the acceptance, understanding and support that I have found on DT.

    Like I said, I have my own issues, my own struggles but I do care.   If I can ever be of any help-even just to listen, please let me know.

    Take care of you.

     

     

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