Life is a gift. A lot of people probably would tell you I did not ask for this gift. Did you have pain during the Civil War? No I was not alive I did not know the option of pain, loneliness or despair. I like many people wish I could die. Selfish maybe but the thought of living is unbearable. The thought of going to hell is not a pleasant thought but one often wonders if we are in it now?
I have these moments in my life where I want family to help me and when they say sorry no. I question myself as a person. If I was living in a cardboard box would you stop to help me or would you just walk on by. The sad case is they would just walk on by. They would say that I deserved it. That I have a mental illness and, I am not fit to be around their children. That they feel that one day I will just snap and mom and dad will end up dead at my hands.
They do not know that I have never hurt anyone but myself. That I have thought of them and there children for every family event but, can’t get a call when it comes to my birthday.
That I honestly now feel that I am evil and do not want to be on this earth to cause anyone anymore pain. I grew up with the usual shit that happens to people like me. I have forgiven the people who have hurt me however, being the one who was hurt I am looked at like I am at any point going to cause the pain that happened to me to someone else. You wonder why people such as myself want to die. I pray for it. I want to be put out of my misery. I have learned no matter how good life goes, how much money I make they, my siblings will never love me.
That my friends is just life. That is it in a nutshell. I think deep down in me is this kind loving person but they have not been seen from some time. My fears are that I will end up homeless. I pretty much feel that way now.