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So I got my music playing. The Weepies, The World Spins Madly On. I can't sleep. Stressed out. Seems since my daughter was born, I hardly sleep and hardly take care of myself. I love her to death and I am terrified of screwing up. For some reason I get these waves of saddness or just completely breakdown mode. I feel like I am messing up at times – especially when she cries. I just find it so difficult to let her cry. I read a ton of stuff that it's not good for the brain development if you let a baby cry. I understand that babies cry, it's what they do. But it makes me nervous and upset too. I love her and just want the best for her. I try to keep it together, but night time is just when it all goes to crap. Paranoia kicks in like hell. I get nervous that someone from my past might show up and try to take away my family or myself. Then sometimes, it creeps in my head – I wish my life was over. I don't actually want my life to be over though, the thought just creeps in and terrifies me. I would never do it I think though – I would never leave my daughter or fiance. I just couldn't do that to them – no matter how miserable I might be at times – I just can't abandoned them. I just can't. But yet the thoughts creep in my head and all I can do is cry and wait for timet to pass. My body shakes a lot at night lately – it's frustrating. It's like it goes into shut down mode. I try to clean, only to be clumsy as hell from being shaky – which then stresses me out. I wake up sweaty as hell from nerves and stress. I vomit or have diaharrea (sorry for the image) when I have down time because it's a relief from the stress. I don't have my next doctors appointment for four more weeks. I am going to see if I can get in sooner – I need to figure a way out of these emotions and feelings. It's not healthy. I know that. But I feel stuck.

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