yes my personality type indicates that I am a human doormat..  My services have become expected and ungracious to those I help. Jeeze its 300 am, im fyucd up hard. dropped klonies and vals before i went out drinking with a group of devout christian friends. Im Jewish. wtf. Im in love a married girl. she loves me. and it sucks. so frustrating to be around someone that i make gleam with happiness and she most certainly returns the favor. nonetheless, she will always be among my greatest friends. why? because she genuinely cares about me and my well being. she cried for me tonight. she told me she prays for me every day. im drunk. i dont respect marriage or relationships due to the fact that the most important women in my life treated my love as a joke.  relationships are a farce. there are ways to have one. to get money someone else has, to be foolish and marry someone that your an idiot for marrying, yet letting your faith cause you to live a miserable life, in order to get to heaven. i dont want heaven, nor do I want hell; i want nothing. no consciousness, no thinking, no tears , no panic attacks, no suicidal tendencies, no self mutilation, no love. nothing, nil, a solitude void. my meds help. they make me just ok enough to be perceived as a happy go lucky georgie pie, tomorrow is approaching. same routine. walk my dog to the coffee shop first thing in the morning, have 2 cups of joe and smoke 6 cigarettes. then I will go home and handle business. after that i will desperately call everyone i know to try and have some positive company. but everyone will be busy. at that point i will facebook for a while and have no real talk with anyone. I suppose the mentally stable are so aloof to the neuroses people obtain, thus they cannot deal with it, or they judge me to be a kook, but dont care to be there for me, after that it will be 4pm when i have my first meal…im  thinking quorn buffalo"wings" and rice with kale ought to do it….next i stare out of my window at the hustle of the heart of portland oregon, wondering how everyone i se drive by to me seems like a mindless docile drone.  how can we live like this day to day? I am an anarchist, a socialist and a communist. America is a global cancer and there is no freedom here. thats why I dont give a flak about anything involving this country, my cares are my passions and the people that give to me adsd much as they get from me, if not more.

I have been branding myself withj roasted cigarettes lately. the release is among the most amazong sensations i have ever experienced.  I am trying to make a burn scar design on my knee. i think it would be pretty cool. im getting tires so im going to finish this pipe load of weed and go to sleep. when you sleep there is no suffering. when you sleep there is no hunger. when you sleep there is no pain. when you sleep there is no thinking. and i dont sleep enough.