I have been depressed since just after the first of the year and I can’t seem to shake it.  I decided to quit smoking for the new year and made it 4 days before I started again.  I was just so depressed and anxious that I had to smoke. So, that depresses me. 

A friend who I met online and have been friends with for over a year, by email and phone calls, decided he didn’t want to be my friend anymore and I was just crushed.  He said he needed to find himself and he didn’t think he could continue our friendship.  I really didn’t think I was such a burden and it felt like someone punched me in the gut.  When I responded to his email, he wouldn’t even respond back.  Just talking about it now, makes me want to cry.  I just don’t understand.

I feel like I have no friends and no one to talk to.  I don’t think anyone would understand anyway.  They don’t know what it’s like to be depressed and just can’t understand. 

I have been self medicating on top of all the other meds I take and I know that is dangerous.  The lower I feel the more pills I pop.  Right now it’s vicodin and I know that it counteracts the anti-depressants, but I can’t help myself.  I keep on thinking if I take enough it will take my pain away. 

I am heading down the wrong road and I feel like I lost my brakes.  I guess, I’m just writing this for myself to get it out, because no one reads my blogs anyway.  I write it hoping someone here could understand because no one in my physical world does. 

That’s all I got for now.