I don't know what's caused me to come here tonight, but i guess i just need to rant a bit. 

First, I am mad at and disappointed in myself. I have not been able to do anything properly for weeks now. Just leaving things all over, not caring about bills or school or therapy. I haven't been to therapy the last two weeks, and not in school either. I've just shut it out. 

It could be that it's been too much for me lately. School. Counselling (outside of therapy). Money problems. Not walking dog properly. Not training dog. Just being, trying to make it to tomorrow, because tomorrow could be better. I don't know. 

So what have I done? Really, nothing. Just being. Maybe eating something. Drinking too much again. Trying to sleep, but sleeping is hard too. It's like I'm trying to log off the world, but the world doesn't stop because I'm feeling out of it. I guess it's just a matter of days before debt collection is started on some of my bills. I just don't care. I was supposed to pick up my parents' car from the service place last week, as they're on holidays, but I haven't done that either. 

I haven't cleaned my clothes, or floors, or anything. I have not been studying. I have not done any of my chores. I've spent too much money on coffee and cigarettes and beer and fast food. 

I don't know. Maybe this apathy is a sort of escape, I cannot handle feeling all the guilt and shame, so I've just shut off? I feel empty. Blanc. Not able to concentrate, not seeing the point of anything, just being. I could just as well have been in a coma, or shut up in some cabin in the woods, or whatever. 

I thought I started feeling better a couple of weeks ago, but that was just the apathy sneaking up on me. At least that's what it seems like now. 


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