i feel like this place is becoming a place where all i do is bitch about my e.d. and it makes me feel like such a F U C K A S S. im afraid that if im honest about everything its just gonna look like i dont want to get better. which i do. i mean really though, this is the only place ive found where i feel like i can even be remotely honest about anything. i dont talk to people about this shit irl. i'd just wanna crawl into a hole and die if anyone knew it was this bad. i think people are aware that its bad, but i dont let on just how much this shit is taking over my life again.

ive purged atleast once everyday for the past 4 days. and theres been other forms of purging that dont involve me sticking my fingers down my throat but i wont go into detail because its pretty gross.

i just woke up today and i felt so fkn bloated. because last night i got stoned out of my gord for the first time in weeks and i ate everything. I MEAN EVERYTHING. and i was too stoned to even really give a fuck about purging at that time.

well.

you know.

i tried to stick it out all day. i felt so fkn bloated though. its torture. all i ate today is a cereal bar and a lunchable and i feel like i ate 50 times that amount because i could feel all of the food stuck in my intestines from last night. do you know what its like? to feel food not digesting, just feel it just sitting there in your system? its awful. so of course. you know what happens after that.

i just feel like shit. i feel like this is never going to go away. i can go three days without purging and even then im still restricting, if im not restricting and overexercising than im binging and purging. and whats scary dude is im gonna die. im gonna end up dying man. but i just cant stop. i started this to feel in control of something and now it controls me. i dont know how to stop. its never enough.