I won't lie ~ last night was really rough for me and this morning too. I have a really difficult time when Zach isn't around me lately, and I let him spend the night at his friend Joshua's house. I'm going through Zachary withdrawal! I'll see him shortly though because I'm going to pick him up in about 45 minutes ~ so yaaay! I get my little boy back for a few hours before I have to go to work for the evening.

It's hot and humid here as usual ~ in the 90's in the shade. I'm so sick of summer and it's not even July yet! (Is it?) At least 3 more months of this crap before it even begins to cool off any. Ugh. It's days like these that I wish we had a pool instead of a pond. I'd miss the wildlife, but a pool is almost a necessity here to make it through this part of the year.

Since I was feeling so bad about everything this morning I made myself go out. I stopped at the library and dropped off some books and movies, then stopped at the grocery store to pick up my meds from the pharmacy. I pulled out $20 and decided to go to Beall's to pick up another pair of jean shorts (I only have 1 pair that I really wear) and ended up finding a pair of shorts, a shirt for $4, and I got my mom some earrings as a thank you gift. She's running out of earrings she can wear to work and both of the pairs I bought really fit her tastes, so I was proud of myself. I also looked for anew blanket for Zachary because he got putty on his SpongeBob one (one of his favorites) but really the only things they had were for girls, which aggravated me. So I guess we'll look at some at Wal-Mart this weekend to replace this one. I can't get the putty off of it. 🙁

I like being alone, but I also hate it. Yesterday my husband worked a double and didn't get home until midnight so I didn't see him at all. And of course Zach was spending the night at his friend's so it was really just me here. I don't like sleeping alone. Luckily I have my dog Carley to keep me company. She lays up against my side and makes me feel better. She's such a sweet and loyal girl, and she makes me feel good when she spends time with me. I also spent time with my cockatiel Zeke and my bunny Trigger. My animals calm me when I'm feeling anxious or stressed or sad. But I realize now that we do have too many. I can't give enough time to each one of them every day, and that's not right. I wish I could find an easy solution to this. 1 of my birds (Kiwi) is cage-bound, she won't come out without a massive fight. I've had her since early in my pregnancy and then I got so sick and she was left alone way too long. I feel so horrible about it because I know that's what caused this problem in the first case. I wish I could find a way to regain her trust and teach her that it's alright to come out, because when I finally get her out, she enjoys it. She snuggles into my hair and makes happy noises and whispers at me. I've rented books from the library about training parrots and I hope it will help the situation.

Tonight I go to work again, and I know I won't get off at 9 p.m. like I'm supposed to. You always get the stragglers that come in drunk at 5 minutes till closing to buy more beer and then decide they want to look around for 15 minutes even though the manager announces that everyone needs to come to a check-out line because the store is closing. They're oblivious to it. And then they come through my line reeking of alcohol or pot and they can't figure out the simple math it takes to pay for their purchases. I don't care if people drink, or what they choose to do with their lives, but when it's taking my time away from my family it makes me so mad! I know it's extra time that I get paid, but it still makes me angry. Why can't people just pay attention to the rules and be respectful of those of us who want to go home after our shift ends?

Since I'm not getting many hours at Winn-Dixie I picked up an application for a job at Beall's. They said they're not currently hiring but would keep my app on file and keep me in mind. I know there's no guarantee that I'll ever hear anything, but I've got to do something. I don't expect that I'll find anything this summer, but in September I'm sure openings will come because the snowbirds will be back. I don't really know if I can handle it, but I feel like I've got to at least try.

I'm tired today and don't understand how that could possibly be. I fell asleep on the couch last night around 5:30, didn't wake up until 8 p.m. (which of course my mom was aggravated with, whatever), then read until 11 p.m. and went to bed. I didn't get up until after 9 a.m., so why am I still tired out? Maybe too much sleep?

At least going out helped me to feel a little better. I had sad dreams last night about unrequited love and I remember saying out loud "I miss you". It was strange, both the guys that I loved that couldn't love me back merged into one person and I remember talking to him but him not saying much of anything, just words on the wind full of nothings. It hurt my heart so badly. I think that's part of why I've been feeling sad today. Dreams and their feelings usually follow me into the daylight, into the waking world, especially if I can remember parts of it. I guess it's not really about the guys themselves, but the rejection I felt from it. When someone tells you that they can't love you and you love them, there's nothing more painful because no matter how much you give of yourself it's never enough, and eventually you know that and grieve because you don't understand why someone can't love you. It makes you wonder; "what's wrong with me? Why can't you love me?". And now I wonder 'why does it matter'? I have love and a family and all those wonderful gifts, so why should it bother me still?

Well, it's getting close to the time I need to pick up Zach. I'm excited but I know he'll be down that he has to leave, which makes me a little sad too. I had a talk with Mindy (Joshua's mom) because she was always buying him toys (and not inexpensive ones either) every time he came over. I explained to her that while I appreciated her kind heart and generosity, I didn't want that to become the reason Zachary wanted to come over. I wanted it to be because he wanted to spend time with his friend. I think she was a little hurt by it, but I had to do something about it. I told her I didn't mind small things but that more expensive things weren't okay. I don't think she really understands why. Maybe she buys something for her son every time they go to the store. She coddles and caters to him a lot more than I like, but it's her son and she has the right to choose how she raises him as long as it's not abusive, which she is definitely not. I also think it stems from her childhood and that she didn't ever have those things.

Anyhow, I've got to go. Got stuff to get accomplished today. Hope your Friday is going really well! ((((HUGS)))))

  1. Andie372 10 years ago

     It's a mother's instinct to have her children near.  My daughter is 18, and out with her bf tonight, but I won't rest until she gets home.  Tomorrow we are having my granddaughter's birthday party.  I haven't seen her since school let out, so I can't wait.  Being alone is good; for a while.  Then you want your people back.  My husband has been out of town two weeks and can't wait till he comes home monday.  

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  2. momhurts 10 years ago

    My kids are gone too, it sucks a lot to miss them so.  I don't have good advice, when mine are gone I suffer.  It should be a better night tonight for you, with your son home with you.  At least I hope it's better.

    I've been having sleep issues lately too, the doctor wants me to take meds for it, but I'm a little afraid of sleeping meds.  Ish.

    All my best to you.  Take good care.

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