things are changing. ive been sitting in the house all day cleaning and waiting for the cable guy to show up. i feel worthless. thats how im going to spend my day off? i had big plans to go to a meeting tonight, possibly three. the first one starting in half an hour. that being the one i secretly want to miss. i stopped going to meetings after being clean only forty some days. i lost track after that and never went back. i feel like i was going for the wrong reasons. i was always doing it for someone else. i needed to stop for some reason other then me. personally i wasnt truly ready. i wanted so badly to make people stop talking about me and my issues so i made it look good. i did my time so to speak. after awhile the questions about how i was doing, how long ive been clean, they stopped being asked. i forgot to care. life goes on. but im beginning to feel restless, uneasy. im not comfortable anymore. something needs to change. maybe its time to be honest with myself. theres only so many times i can say im sorry. someday you may not forgive me and when that day comes ill know i waited too long. again though im scared of trying. of making that clean start. with nothing to hide behind, my lies dont seem as glamorous. i was in a horrible mood last night and i pissed a lot of people off. i havent been that hateful in awhile. but i was a bitch and the worst part is when someone called me out on it i defended my additude by claiming i was entitled to it. what is wrong with me
? where do i get off… this does need to end. i dont know why i keep fucking up but im going to work on stopping. i need to work this out my own way. the program isnt for me, im not knocking it in anyway i just dont think its the path im going to follow right now. i have something else in mind.
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Time-Travel-via-memories-via-music…
Iris.Dar, , Addiction, Anxiety, Depression, LGBT, Marriage & Family, Teens, Anxiety, Depression, 0
I wish I could describe the memory this music has brought back to my mind.. My recent bouts with...
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Postcards from life
jjrocksarizona, , Addiction, 0
hopefully the tribe police will leave these on jere long enough for everyone to see. they speak a lot...
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It's called Recovery for a reason…
jjrocksarizona, , Addiction, Questions, 0
we all have our own personal programs of recovery we work. we all have the way we live that...
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Telling it like it is
jjrocksarizona, , Addiction, Addiction, Anger, Anxiety, Career, Child, Relationships, Religion, Sleep Disorders, Spirituality, Suicide, 0
Pass the message, not the disease. Nature has a way of compensating for weaknesses, which is why addicts have...
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“Family Portrait”
marienda408, , Addiction, Sleep Disorders, 0
"Family Portrait" Uh, uh, some deep shit, uh, uh Momma please stop cryin, I can't stand the sound Your...
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Finally in the Program
Mayabee, , Addiction, 0
Well, after a long hard and what seemed like a bottomless relapse, my ass finally made it to an...
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Close Quarters
koroberts, , Addiction, 0
Everywhere it's shoulder to shoulder. 5+ people to a room, elbow to elbow at chow, always someone up your...
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Why is this happening again?
KizzyT31, , Addiction, Depression, Questions, Therapist, 2
i feel shit again, really low. Im questioning my whole life and existance. I dont know or understand why...