I want to know….all kinds of things…I WANT TO KNOW why the laws of the Universe dictated that I couldn't have a lovely wife & beautiful children by my side like over 90% of the people I know in my life all have, when that's EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TOO, exactly where I thought I'd end up eventually, just like everyone else, no matter how lost & aimless I felt when I was nyounger while in comparison seemingly all of my peers that I grew up with were brimming with self-confidence, seemingly had SOME kind of idea where they were going and how they were going to get there….I wANT TO KNOW, I REALLY WANT TO FREAKING KNOW why the Hell did I HAVE to be the one to veer "off course" on the path of life, while everyone got to stay on it???.. (And to hell with that "I was just-meant-to-march-to-the-beat-of-a-different-drummer" bs– NEVER asked for that, and if I'm supposed to embrace it, well….I DON'T)…I WANT TO KNOW why I have to be tormented with relentlessly feeling infereior and so freaking sad and angry because of it(although give me anger over sadness ANY DAY if I HAVE to choose one) if I really have to be stuck on this veered-off course???…
WHY, TELL ME FREAKING WHY I can't handle it–the whole being at the age I am and being stuck in singlehood–like my friends Dave and Tommy can???( Why, I'll tell you why: because for THEM, it's a freaking choice that they're contenct with, whereas with me, I feel like it's a decision that was decided for me by the Laws of the Universe. THAT'S the answer to THAT one!)….I WANT TO KNOW WHY I have to feel sad & ashamed & angry every time I'm at a family gathering and hear somone asking someone else "How's work going?",or "Where are you working these days?", and they can't/don't/won't ask me because they know I'm the Strange One(or maybe simply a lazy bum in the eyes of some?)who's not working because I had some kind of "breakdown", or in the rare cases where they don't know of my situation ahead of time, they actually DO ask me, and I have to scramble for whatever bs answer I can come up with at thet top of my head because I obviously can't tell them the truth…And not only that, I get the idea that the not-having-a-job-thing thing somehow makes me less desirable to interact with socially,,,makes it one less thing that I'm not able to be sociable with people about, and for someone who's not exactly at the top of his game in terms of social skills, THAT MAKES THINGS THAT MUCH MORE difficult!….
I want to know why I have to feel such sadness over seeing my sister go on a vacation with four of her best friends from high school and even longer than that, because I'm only down to TWO such legit-friends from those days, and Hell, the only reason that they even came back into my life was because they more or less felt compelled to when they became aware of my breakdown a few years back(which is NOT to say that I'm NOT grateful for their compassion and support, because I am) and I'm not stupid enough to fool myself into believing that the "friendships", the "friends", whom I've become re-aquainted with throughout the past years on Facebook are anything but by and large superficial and phony and I know damn well that most of those people still basically have no idea that I still exist or care to acknowledge my existence)…
I want to know why my nieces and nephews are so much more drawn to to my brother at family gatherings than they are to me–am I THAT much less interering than him??? That much more socially awkward or whatever???? Is he THAT much more charismatic and easier to talk to and likeable, and am I really lacking THAT much in those areas, and again, why the hell do I have to feel so sad and frustrated about it all the freaking time???
On top of all this, I'm goingto be in a hole in terms of paying my rent AGAIN this weekend…Once again, I won't have all of it; once again, I'll probably be able to only give them half of it(that is, assumingI'll get the extra help from the person who has been helping me pay some of my rent each month while my life is currently in the tailspin that it is in, a foolish assumption to make since she wasn't able to give me the usual amount that she gives me last month)than the additional half PLUS A FREAKING $125 late fee 2 weeks later when I get my disability check…and I'm so angry and worried about it…
I keep repeating the mantra over and over again to myself: "If I keep trying, good things will happen"….So I started exercising again for the first time in three years when I had my initial breakdown–does that not count as an example of trying? I decided to go back to school in an effort to finally get an associate's degree to better my long-term job prospects(assuming that there will be a time that I'll finally feel mentally competent enough to join the workforce again eventually); is THAT not an example of trying???….I guess it's still not trying hard enough…I'd like to think that going to a voc rehab counselor in an effort to at least see if we can find me a part-time job for the time being that I might be able to handle, I'd like to think that THAT is an example of trying too…but I guess not hard enough, like I said, and the meeting with the voc rehab counselor & a job-placement person of some sort tomorrow will no doubt be a waste of time….So I'm trying not to get discouraged that I AM trying, and good results are not occuring–and hey, all I ask for right now as far as anything "good" occuring is that I DON'T GET INTO FREAKING SITUATAIONS LIKE THESE WITH MY RENT PREDICAMENT!!!! Is that asking for too much?!?!? I guess that it is…
And I'm furious and sad that it's at a point where I have to impose restrictions on myself in terms of driving because it's getting to the point that there is very little money I can afford to spend on gas each week, furious and sad that that will include not being able to drive to Columbia(MO) this weekend to see my beloved Missouri Tigers football team play even though a free ticket is available to me, furious and sad that I won't be able to afford to buy a ticket to the big game vs. Alabama the following weekend while all my friends who have the luxury to afford to buy tickets to that game–even at the ridiculously high price that they are going for–are all going, some even coming in from out of town(and never mind that most of said-friends are people who just got on the bandwagon in recent years when the team got better while I stuck with them even during the bad years–don't get me started on THAT)…furious and sad that a cute girl has sought me out on Facebook and apparently is interested in meeting me, furious and sad because there is no way in hell that if she got to know the "real" me in terms of where I am in my life right now that there is no way in hell that she'd be interested in meeting me, so I'm furious and sad that I have to be denied that opportunity(and btw, if anyone actually is reading this, any ideas on what to tell her as to why I can't get let her get to know me, why we can't get together for a drink, etc. would be gladly considered–as of now, I'm thinking that I'll probably just not give her any kind of response at all; that realistically might be the best thing to do I suppose, unfortunately)
So anyway, this is the "state of me" right now, and I'm sorry if all the kicking and screaming is too much…yes, I know I'm supposed to take responsibility for a good portion of this, but I've been notorious for overdoing it in terms of beating myself up for years for everything that I did wrong, and that approach has gotten me nowhere and in fact I have been told has only made things worse for me, so I have to be careful in that regard too….
Thanks for letting me vent.
Love, Todd
Hey Todd,
I just finished your blog and feel compelled to write. You sound incredibly overwhelemed and angry. I am sorry for this. I will not say that I understand because I have never walked in your shoes. I do feel compitent enough to speak regarding this girl…SHE sought you out, for whatever reason. Be honest with her. When you both begin chatting about yourelves, just tell her, I suffer from depression and that ou do your best everyday. (my best some days is making coffee) Allow this person to get to know you. You have nothing to lose and possibly gain a friend.
Take care,
Sasha
This was an amazing blog because it truly touched me. I may not understand because im not you but i do know depression and the sadness. it sounds like everything seemed to hit you at once and i am truly sorry. I recommend just trying to take a deep breath and take things one at a time. I think you should give yourself more credit because you are a good person with some unfortunate situations. I agree with Sasha and say you should talk to thins girl and be honest with her. I was in a very deep depression when my girlfriend sought me out and now she is a lifelong friend. Please try to take a chance because having friends does help alot. Also, I recommend writing more so it all doesn;t build up because that was what happened to me a few times. Thanks for your time let me know if this helped and try to remember you are a fantastic person no matter what anyone says
Thank you all soooo so much for your replies. Going to reply later to each one of you individually in case you don't check back here to see that I replied to you.
Todd, I'm so sorry you're going through so much right now. It sounds like you have an awful lot on your mind and your heart. I wish I could sugarcoat it, make it into something bittersweet but meancholicly beautiful and wisening~ but I can't. These illnesses are what they are, and each of us are affected differently. It sounds like you are where I was not too long ago, and still am sometimes ~ enraged at the unfairness of it all, not having a choice about what's happened even though you don't want it in any way, shape or form. I completely understand the feeling of only having 1-2 REAL friends, and being upset and disappointed in seeing other peoples' lives go the way they wanted them too~ while for many of us, that is often a casualty of the disease. I used to be a professional violinist, private instructor and public school orchestral teacher before my breakdown. Now? I'm a part-time cashier getting 15 hours a week. It's better than nothing, but I often feel worthless because I feel like it was such a waste~ all those years at college getting a double degree, the student loans I'm still paying off every month even though I can't use what I bought with them. And like you, I'm afraid to tell people about my work situation because it leads into the "illness talk" and often people make a quick escape as soon as they realize I'm "unwell". Ha.
I think you're trying too hard maybe. One step at a time hon. Stick with the exercise routine, it will help you feel better physically because of the endorphins and because it gives you a feeling of control over an aspect of your life. When you've settled into that, then slowly add in things one by one. Inundating yourself is a sure means to disaster and faster spiraling. I go through that every time I have a hypomanic phase~ take on way too much because I feel amazing, and then bottom out and freak because I can't do it all and "what the HELL was I thinking?!!" moment.
As for the lady who wants to meet up with you and you're interested in; why don't you just tell her you'd like to take a raincheck on drinks until things are better with your Dad? That way you don't lose her interest and in the meantime get to know one another a little better until you're fairly comfortable with how she'll handle you.
I wish you would give yourself more credit Todd. You're a sweet guy, a smart guy, an attractive man…and you have so much compassion, love and kindness to give. You're a good friend. I understand why you're so angry, but I wish you'd see that you are still you~ wonderful, caring and kind. I sincerely hope things get better with the rent situation, your Dad's health, your feelings of despair and frustration and hurt. Know that I'm here to talk anytime you want to vent, I don't mind. 🙂
((((HUGS)))) ~ Key