When I joined DT yesterday I was confused and looking for someplace to vent out my pain and experience. I had felt many of the things people in this community had experience due to depression. I may not be a professional in mental health but I consider myself lucky as I can easily cope with pain and my emotions but sadly there are times the dams would just fill up and that time happened yesterday.

Most people in my area would define me as a loner or depressive but unlike them I think about changing the situation rather than selfishly living my life, knowing there are people in pain or in hunger. Eversince I was a child I was always the one who would help anyone to the annoyance of my mother. I always never cling into anything, when I can give something or help people I would usually do it at the price of my health or even happiness. In my previous post I said that I had no dream to call my own and that is true. I find helping other people build their dreams more fullfilling than building my own dreams. I was not the one who would say it is impossible, I always had this mentality to challenge and to change people through helping them realize their potentials. However It became apparent that this personality filled with kindness and love would be the one carrying the burden and constantly attacked. I was bullied at school because of my mannerisms but I even helped my classmates out even though they were talking behind my back. I would help them with their essays, thesis and other stuff but whenever i was attacked by other classmates they would only come when I was already crying. I would even burn the midnight candle editing their homeworks or projects but I never knew I was being used. It wasn't until that I developed depression that they took it to their advantage, they would pretend to comfort me when they needed something but when I needed them the most they seemed so distant. Constant struggles with my family and stress from school made me developed depression but I never gave up trying to help people but this time I always distanced myself as i learned that somethings in the world are better left to observant eyes. The times I was used and abused and my innate kindness was even used by my family to make me feel guilty worsening my situation. They would say things that would give me pain and made me more confuse.

I had depression since I was 15, it gotten worse as the days passed but I never let it win me over. It has become somewhat common and I learned to just accept my situation. I heard that acceptance and humility are the hard things to develop but I somehow developed them when I was young. I never cling to anything so I usually can make myself happy for a while and acceptance of my on emotions and behavior has always saved me many times. At a first glance I might be considered quite the opposite, discriminating and full of pride. In reality though people just misunderstood my views on equality and fairness and most people I know would just avoid such things. They also say I am filled with pride as I have a habit of pulling people down when they get too high. I might just be justifying it but I only do that so they will not hurt themselves. The thing is when I was in school I was considered smart and it is somewhat my hobby to test people's limit and it may sound arrogant that I do not wish to have the title of Dean's Lister but i continue challenging what they know because I want them to change their attitude towards other people. The so-called smart ones would consider other people as below them, some even go as to prevent them from further developing fully. It is normal in my society that people look up to those with ranks eventhough they are abused or disrespected. When I was at school the so-called "Smart Ones" would not have their momment to shine as I would tutor my classmates and even helping them to develop their own problems and other times encourage them or give them insight. The thing about the people with the ranks from where I studied was that they always used dirty tactics to win their grades. Some would coerced the teacher or become the teachers pet and some would just never help other themselves having the dog eat dog mentality. I was praised and admired because of the things I did to other people but also how I can pass exams without even studying and just cramming when the time comes. However there are times that the very people I am wanting to help would wan't me to be absent especially when it involves questioning their reports as I always ask hard questions I already know the answer hoping that they did their research.

I just want to ask about how can I help people without them fearing me or treating me indifferent? I had always been treated differently because how I excel and even give other people a run for their money. I want to help people help themselves but oftentimes I am the one being attacked as being too nosy or other times I shine to much that they cannot see their luster. They lookup to me but I also want them to treat me as their equal. It has always been hard for me to teach people without them getting intimidated. Can anyone tell me where I should start as I want to help people know more about depression. I just want them to know that not all depressive people are drug dependent which would seem the common stigma shown in movies and the media itself. I had been fighting depression eversince I had it but I never took meds as it seems like its an unknown illness from where I am from. Is there even a way for me to start this campaign of self healing and non-drug dependency when dealing with depression? I am currently writing a novel about but I fear i might just scrap the idea. Do you think it is a good foundation for me to build up my campaign? any advice or help is much appreciated. After my depressive streak yesterday I seemed more motivated to finish the book after meeting the people on DT.

2 Comments
  1. thistle 12 years ago

    hello,obviously you are an  intelligent and thoughtful person—perhaps too thoughtful. Sometimes we create a maze -out of our constant thinking/analyzing–and stick ourselves right into the middle of it.Then we spend our waking hours trying to figure out our predicament(s). (speaking from experience).While it seems the rest of the world floats merrily by us— seemingly without a thought/or care.Iwas depressed,on and off, from adolescent years on—The world never lived up to my expectations….i could go on,but does any of this relate to you—do you think.    ed

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  2. elainec 12 years ago

    It really sounds like you are a smart individual.  But, it makes me wonder what you are running from.  Your own hurt? pain? Helping others is an escape.  I know, I have done it all my life.  You have to help yourself before you can really help others.  Change others by changing yourself first.  Do you truly like yourself?  Do you express that in how you dress?  Your mannerisms? 

    Dont scrap the novel.  Dont be afraid to put your true emotions and what triggered those emotions and how you truly reacted to them.  Then you might be able to realize what is is buried deep in your heart that needs to be addressed.

     

    Good Luck

     

     

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