Well, things happen, life changes, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, and sometimes, like now, it's bittersweet.
I hate to have had to hurt the man I've been with for the past three and a half years, but I thought it through hundreds of times before acting, and now I feel better and more relieved and more alive than I have in a long time.
His resentment is the bitter part, but I understand he needs to find explanations, that he's frustrated and hurt, that he's trying every way he can to get me back. Maybe I should take this as a compliment, but there have been a few low blows, him pushing buttons he knows will shoot me down and make me miserable. I have not stooped to his level, I've been nice and non-committing, trying to keep things civil. I believe I have succeeded, and I know that I will probably recieve a few more messages, efforts on his side. Also, I've realized that I've been angry with him. That he's selfish and stubborn and pouty when things don't go his way. I have probably known this for some time, but to say it out loud, even to myself, makes it more real. And I don't feel bad for saying those things, because they are true. Makes me feel more empowered! I know I've tried, long after trying ever had hope of succeeding, and I'm sorry that things turned out the way they did, but I know I'm not to blame. He wants to blame me, and that's ok if it helps him get over this, but I know what's true and what's right for me.
Of course we've been throug a lot the past three years… Trips to Lanzarote, Rome, Copenhagen, Mallorca, summer house by the sea and cabin in the mountains. Also the bad things: His brother dying last year, only 26 years old, my illness and ups and downs, him scrubbing the blood off my floors when I almost bled to death… And of course, getting to know his daughter, his parents and siblings, all wonderful people that I know I will think about and miss for some time. We've learned a lot from eachother, and I appreciate that.
Now, however, I feel like a new life has started for me. I've taken this break-up as an inspiration, wanting to do lots of things I didn't prioritize before: Studying, taking care of the dog, clean up in the appartment, old papers and things, I want to exchange my old wardrobe… And take better care of myself, be a bit more girly, do my nails and hair and buy myself flowers and nice things.
I wish my sister could come help me out a bit with the apperance and wardrobe issues as well as my appartment, but she's ill, so I need to cope with it alone. It's a challenge, but I believe I will succeed, as long as I take my time and do one thing after another instead of starting four different projects at once.
Today, my goal is to get this place cleaned up, start some laundry and make myself feel good when at home – tidyness helps me calm down my mind… I've already gotten started, done most of my dishes that have been waiting for me for far too long – the rest will have to wait until the hot water tank is filled up again – while I wait I will start tidying up clothes…
Inspiration feels good!