I hate having conversations with my family. My family don't know the I suffer from depression and anxiety so when I'm going through a hard time then they can't uderstand why my life is so difficult. Then when they bring up my children and the lack of “participation as a parent” then they expect me not to get pissed off and defensive. I already feel like a shot parent I don't need them to rub it in my face whenever they get the chance. There was a time after I got separated from my ex husband that I started to go out for me. Actually it started just before we got seperated. I told my ex that I needed a night just for myself to spend with friends or just be out by myself because I was working 7days a week and 3 jobs. He was home with the kids because he had gotten into and accident at work and was rehabing. It was awesome. For once I was doing something for myself and not for everyone else. I started to feel good about myself, got a new hair cut, started exercising and losing weight and fixing myself up. I had stopped fixing myself up and would always have my hair in a bun or ponytail. Well I continued this after I got seperated and divorced. Let me blow off some steam because home life, work and other stuff was just hard to deal with sometimes. So when I decide to do something for myself I start to get criticized for not doing things with my kids as often as I should. Yes I should have been doing more fun things with my kids but I guess I figured that since they were doing those things with my ex then it would be ok. Going out with the kids gets very expensive and I've been stuggling financially for years. When I would go out I would go out to place that were free or friends would treat. Not always but more often than not. I stopped going out again for a while and am just not taking care of myself like I was and just feel like it's a vicious circle. I'm dammed if I do and I'm damped if I dont. My siblings like to talk shot about stuff they don't know because they have children. On of them even made the comment “gawd! I don't see why people even have kids if they can't handle it”. If they were in front of me at that moment I would have probably chocked them. It's like yes I made the decision to have kids and I've been taking care of them the best I can. I can barely even take care of myself and have to take care of them to. They have always needed so much extra attention because they are “special needs”. Not severally but do need attention. I don't know. Maybe I am a selfish ass that doesn't deserve to be happy of have kids. I hate that my family is so judgemental. This is why I live far away from them. If I had to deal with them on a daily basis I would definitely lose my fucikng mind. *sigh*

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