My boyfriend and I went out last night for my birthday. We had a great day and a great night. We made love and eventually I passed out. I am sorry if the fact that I said "made love" is too much detail or if that's innappropriete to say, but I am a rape victim and sex and stuff is apart of my life and it's something I struggle with and that I need to let out in this writting. I will not get vulgar or crude or too descriptive. So no worries on that level.
Anyway.. We made love and then I eventually passed out, slipping into a falshbacks then when I didn't see or hear things and I didn't feel sucked in by my past; I would be in panic mode. This morning, just now I woke up. My boyfriend walked around and looked entirely upset. This morning before I got out of bed. I freaked out with his alarms that go off. They always send me over the edge of panicing and send me in to flashbacks. Today he started getting mad at me saying it's just the alarm clock. Not getting up on his side to turn it off or rolling over to snooze it to put an end to the sound. Instead he moved closer to me telling me that it's the alarm clock and to stop worrying. He was half asleep and I was wide awake in panic facing the wall avoiding the sound and covering my ears, but I slipped into a flashback and tears and screams came from me. He evenutally got up, mummbling, and turned off the alrm clock and brought it outside (I just found out after we "made up"). He smashed it.
But the thing that bothers me is that he came up to me this morning, telling me that I was hateful last night to him. I was hating him, I was mean, ect.
From what I remember from last night while I was panicing and just wanted to lay down and try and sleep, he told me we had to take a shower. I started to argue and panic more. And in the shower, I passed out and he ended up taking me to bed. He tried to cuddle with me and sleep with me all cuddled with him, but I was in panic mode, stressed out, and he kept having his nose breathing on my skin and I kept freaking out so I tried asking him if we could stop cuddling, he got mad; moved away all frustrated. I was crying facing the wall where he couldn't see. I fell asleep fell into nightmares and the deep sleep, and repeated this cycle all night. When I woke up, I felt the blame all on me. He was pissed at me and I hate the fact that he blames me for everything. I get it. I hate myself 99.999% of the time. But when I'm going into a flashback.. Sometimes it's just best not to touch me. Be there verbally and around, but touching. It freaks me out. I'm sorry that I can't be the girlfriend that needs and wants to be all touched when I'm in a ptsd episode or hurt or something. I'm sorry that one touch when I'm in panic mode sends me over the edge and out of reality. I'm sorry that I can't be strong sometimes. He always says I can be stronger than it and hold on. Sometimes, I just don't want to be strong. Sometimes I just want to just take whatever comes at me, go through it and just wake up knowing that I wasn't alone. The touching freaks me out in these episodes. And I just don't want to be constantly a let down because I need physical space. I wish he could understand… I've tried talking to him about this.. But maybe I'm just not making it clear or explaining it in the right way.. I don't know. But I just.. It hurts sometimes… And sometimes he's just too harsh. I know he doesn't mean to be. I know it's when he grows sick of me. When he just needs the drama to stop. I don't want to be drama. I don't try to be. It's not a cake walk for me either….
Relationships are hard.I love him..But sometimes…It feels like a cycle…And most of the time I feel like it's always my fault and I am the bad guy and I am the one to blame.