I am having a really hard time with the labels. Being told I was a victim of abuse and sexual assault. Being told the I have PTSD. I am stunned. I can’t focus. My mind is racing. It makes everything seem so real. It makes me feel a little bit of anger towards my parents because they didn’t stop it. It makes me angry at Justin for doing this to me. It makes me angry at myself for no being able to accept it. I don’t want to see myself differently and I don’t others to see me differently. I just want school to be my biggest problem. This is too much for me to deal with. I don’t want to deal with it. I am sick and tired of always dealing with stuff just so another problem can pop up. Everything I do now, I see myself as fragile and different. I see myself as breakable and weak. I don’t know who I am anymore. Am I Natalie the basketball player or Natalie the student? Am I Natalie the good friend or Natalie the victim of abuse? I just feel alone. I didn’t ask for any of this. To me it doesn’t seem like abuse. To me it seems normal whatever that means. To me it feels like something that happens all the time. But it is not. It amazes me how I can’t even drive yet and I have already dest with a divorce, a parent moving away, an abusive brother, intense therapy, PTSD, and lost a sibling. . It doesn’t give me hope that things will get better. I am not able to accept the fact that I am a survivor let alone a victim. I don’t feel like these things. I feel like my experience wasn’t traumatic enough for any of this. I can;t see it the way everyone else does, but to me it just feels like something that was supposed to happen. I just don’t want to deal with any of this.

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