I’m not sure why I bother writing. Maybe It good to just get the feelings out. I’m not sure. Today I had a horrible though. It was "I should just quit graduate school; I’m not good enough to be there". Please allow me a few moment to wallow in these feelings before I attempt to pull myself out. Today I went to my neuroscience class and once again I left feeling horrible inadequate. Once again I was far behind everyone in the discussion and only understanding the behavioural side of the discussion. There was a biological side of the discussion I was totally missing and just sitting there in a class of 4 with a blank look on my face while everyone was in a heated debate about specific methods used to isolate specific for of amyloid- beta etc. Once again I had to stay after class and ask the instructor stupid questions which quite honestly I should have known. So I wonder why do I bother going to university if I’m just going to lag behind evryone else and then fall in the dirt. I mean cut out now while I’m atleast still in teh game right? Even things like my work ethic are beaten; the student in the psychology side of my degreee work about 10x harder than I do on everything else.
Doesn’t this sound like I’m just whining? But you know; I identify as a neuroscience student. If I left my job as a student I pretty much lose who I am.
You know; I always worry that when I blog it doesn’t seem like I’m as upset as everyone else who’s like "I’M GOING TO END IT RIGHT NOW etc etc etc" but I really do feel upset. I just don’t want to die. I like the challenge of living and trucking through all the schitt. I want to come out of this in one piece and show the whole world that I can do it. There’s supposed to be pitfalls along the way.
Yes I realize that by being in graduate school I seem to be idolized by some people in here. But even if I’m in it; I’m barely there. Once again I have resorted to what doesn’t make sense. Apparently people think in words or direct thoughts. Whereas I think in "feeling" like if I’m telling you about me day, I’m thinking about the series of emotional responses I’ve gone through and what comes out is a description of my activiteis for the day. Apparently this is odd according to my therapist, psychiatrist and just people I have talked to in general. I’m not sure if I can actually fix anything about that; also not sure if I want to. Maybe thats the underlying disconnect in my communication skills.
This is a lot of writing for me. I want to describe more of my situation. What’s here is such a small snapshot and is out of context. Hence I’m going to stop with this and try to cheer myself up. I’ve got about three chapters of research methods to read for my class tomorrow so I’ve got to get back into atleast a semi-decent state.