Something I just thought of, while watching some dumb show by myself at 4am… I started thinking about how much men sicken me. If they really wanted to be honest with people, they would fill out profiles like so: ABOUT ME: I'm driven by hormones. Hormones tell me who I want to fuck. If I want to fuck someone, I realize I must feign interest in what they say and think. I can enjoy their company, but ultimately I care about fucking them.

More or less. less or more. Gay women act just like straight men. I think sexual orientation is determined by levels of testosterone.

My real misery is that I'm likely worse than any man I've ever been with. I haven't once been cheated on that I know of. I don't have some horrible story of walking in on my boyfriend with someone else. I have put people through hellish suffering. I can't rationalize it. They don't even seem to realize it. I convince myself they did something wrong and then I convince them of it. I don't plan to do any of it. I am just a sick, disgusting person. I tell myself I want to be a good person. I think my problem might be that I feel I don't deserve a good person.

I can't tell if this is how I am or just how I feel I am. I hate myself. I like the option of being with people, but not being with them. Anything short of rage or lust is boring. I am insane and it is contagious.

I saw the movie Broken tonight. They shot up like four times in the movie and they always stayed tied off while shooting. The words of the day are 'syringe' and 'asphyxiation'… They are equivalent to silence and blackness and calm…


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