Music: ‘Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman’ / Bryan Adams[br][br]First, just please, please, if you’re involved in the OCD book project, please do read the forum posts I’ve just made regarding it so I can get things rolling.[br][br]Tonight George asked how 2008 was for me, and I said it was incredibly hard.  Although, really, it was an improvement on previous years.  And George reminded me that, oh hey, we got married in 2008, that’s pretty cool, right?  Yeah, totally, that made everything.  The last few months have been awesome.  It was just the first nine that felt impossible![br][br]Usually I stay up talking to my friend Justin on New Year’s Eve about reflections on the year and what we plan for the next one.  But we just aren’t kids with nothing to do be sit on the Internet all day and night anymore.  He and one of my best friends, Alison, had a baby girl the day after I became Mrs Pendred.  I am talking to Ali for a bit tonight but she’ll be shooting off soon and then it’s just me on my own, because Mr Pendred is out performing a gig at a Spanish restaurant (I could have gone, but it wasn’t practical with Percy).[br][br]So, I guess I’ll have the annual conversation here, solo (so I suppose that’s just a…versation ??).  I never have resolutions like losing weight or anything like that.  I’ve always gone for heavier things.  Like one year I vowed to get out into the world and start connecting to people again, and I did it – after 2 years locked in my room, nocturnal and depressed, I cracked it and sorted out my life.[br][br]This year, I think I just resolve to get back to me.  I miss how fun and funny I used to be.  When did I start letting myself get so dragged down by everything, so serious?  And when did i start letting the lack of ‘cheerleaders’ for my talents propel me into a state of hidden ability, and then (even worse) a place where I actually fear letting anyone know I’m good at things, that I’m an interesting, multi-skilled, colourful, artistic person?  It’s honestly killing me.  And I believe that’s when all the joy fell out of me, when I stopped opening myself up.  Sure, I always had anxieties, but at least I used to be more fearless with myself.[br][br]So this year I’m going to get it back.  I started this month, and I’m going to take it further.  I’m going to get back into drawing, dancing, singing, writing songs, writing stories – and laughing, and being more uninhibited, and sharing my interests with people without worrying about their approval of my tastes and humour.[br][br]I thought I’d have more to say but…I don’t know.  I’m just not in the mood, I feel like I should be doing something more 🙂

1 Comment
  1. thymeoperator 13 years ago

    oh it’s not really about the ocd, i promise haha, it’s wayyyy more than that.  thanks though.

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