It has downright taken over my existence, wasted away many hours and days and left me literally paralyzed with fear. Far too self-righteous to medicate myself I have now been fighting this battle since November of 2009. Panic has become a mere way of life and making it through a day without shaking is now a chore.

Last night, it all smacked me directly in the face and the harsh reality of what was going on and what I was ruining was more apparent than ever. I am ruining a relationship of many years from my panic. The racing thoughts, the severe doubt and the mind set of just saying screw it and running from these thoughts leaves me in a state of confusion and anger. I know what the truth is behind all these thoughts yet getting to the truth instead of the panic is a task far greater than I ever imagined. It is almost as if my mind, my body feed off these racing thoughts. In the state of panic like this everything with true reason is clouded, I freak out about what is racing amongst me and I even find myself agreeing with it or believing it. When the panic subsides usually after a bout of uncontrollable crying or me causing a huge argument I am finally free to see not only the result of my thoughts but the actual truth. If you read my about me section you will see that panic disorder has been a part of my life for the entire 31 years, through strength and true determination I have been able to avoid being a statistic and or like "my mother", however always knowing that this was a part of me as well, let’s just say I had far more control over it then I do now. Last night is only a tip of the iceberg of my everyday life with this disorder, but one by one things have fallen apart in retrospect all from panic. So today I sit here researching, reading and finally stepping from my comfort zone of this secure secret life inside of me, and asking for all the hope, help, and support I can get.

2 Comments
  1. strengthincharacter 8 years ago

    Thanks for the kind words Felicity, glad to hear someone that can actually relate to me and not look at me as if i am crazy 😉
    As far as the theory of seeing a therapist I think you are right this would probably help however I am so against telling my story over and over LOL I have saw several through the years and have not found one I can actually say I liked. I am sure this is due to my lack of wanting the one on one therapy or maybe the simple thought of just having to relive my experiences. Thanks again for the affirmation that I am not alone. Best of wishes to you as well on your journey

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  2. strengthincharacter 8 years ago

    Thank you to you both. 🙂

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