It has downright taken over my existence, wasted away many hours and days and left me literally paralyzed with fear. Far too self-righteous to medicate myself I have now been fighting this battle since November of 2009. Panic has become a mere way of life and making it through a day without shaking is now a chore.
Last night, it all smacked me directly in the face and the harsh reality of what was going on and what I was ruining was more apparent than ever. I am ruining a relationship of many years from my panic. The racing thoughts, the severe doubt and the mind set of just saying screw it and running from these thoughts leaves me in a state of confusion and anger. I know what the truth is behind all these thoughts yet getting to the truth instead of the panic is a task far greater than I ever imagined. It is almost as if my mind, my body feed off these racing thoughts. In the state of panic like this everything with true reason is clouded, I freak out about what is racing amongst me and I even find myself agreeing with it or believing it. When the panic subsides usually after a bout of uncontrollable crying or me causing a huge argument I am finally free to see not only the result of my thoughts but the actual truth. If you read my about me section you will see that panic disorder has been a part of my life for the entire 31 years, through strength and true determination I have been able to avoid being a statistic and or like "my mother", however always knowing that this was a part of me as well, let’s just say I had far more control over it then I do now. Last night is only a tip of the iceberg of my everyday life with this disorder, but one by one things have fallen apart in retrospect all from panic. So today I sit here researching, reading and finally stepping from my comfort zone of this secure secret life inside of me, and asking for all the hope, help, and support I can get.