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My pc ate an epic blog that I wrote, earlier.  A lot of things were jotted down.  I’ll try to roll through the gist.  Ace has been in trouble, emotionally, and he’s been leaning on me – I feel like I am letting him down.  I don’t think I have been the shoulder to cry on that he has needed.  I have tried.  I really have.  I feel like I have really failed someone who means the world to me.

Maria is in trouble, and ducking pretty much everyone I know, who knows her.  If you are reading this, dear – I know you’re in trouble, and I know the score.  I don’t care about anything that’s happened, anything you’ve done, or any money that you owe me or anyone else – we will work it out.  Just, let me help you.

Someone told me once that rehab isn’t a place to pick friends (good person, dick statement).  I know she’s [email protected] up, but Maria and I are no different, when it comes to our mistakes.  We have that sh*t in common, and that means something.  We would never look down the way non-addicts do because we know what it’s like.  We know how easy it is to lose your way, and that every addict, almost without exception, has more than paid for his mistakes by the time he tries to clean up.  Few people suffer the way the physically dependent and psychologically obsessed suffer – and no one deserves to suffer that way.  No one…

All the same, I will be really glad when I am done with outpatient.  It’s not about the other clients – usually not, anyway.  It’s about being tethered to a place I don’t want to be, and to a drug that makes me physically sicker.

I have been so sick, and so depressed.

Someone called me, in tears, today, and I was pretty much useless.

My mother and I had a long talk, today.  I feel like such an asshole, because I have not visited, in ages.  It’s just hard.

I know things are going to work out, somehow.  I just feel so broken, right now.

I promised, no heroin or cutting – I do not intend to break my word, but it isn’t easy.

It will all be okay, somehow. 

Somehow…

1 Comment
  1. demonic 12 years ago

    brken is hard to fix isnt it?

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