It's Friday of a horrible week. I ended last week with a funeral for a co worker who was also my husband's employee. I had decided that I was too stressed out, upset, anxious and depressed to be able to deal with my ridiculous work situation with more drama than my 12 year old daughter has ever had, and my internal struggle between what I know and what I feel and which one is real or some sort of combination of it all so I took a leave of absence from work. I finally took a breath of fresh air on that Saturday knowing I had the following two weeks off. – at least. It's very hard to work when there is someone one cube away who is crying all day. It's awkward and I will avoid being that person.at all costs. We already have a resident nut in our team so I'd rather not take her place.
That first weekend wasn't bad. I had some fun, or tried to. I am not feeling much lately. I love my family more than life itself but when I feel this way everything and everyone irritates me. I am very negative and I know this so I try to hide away. Actually I can't make it out of bed some days so…
Monday came around and I was a train wreck. I ended the night crying next to my husband and still feeling anxious. Over what, I'm not sure. I was already in bed when I had the worst panic attack ever. I honestly thought I was going to die. My heart was racing and I was feeling all tingly and numb and I was very scared. I was trying to talk myself down, and I'm not good at being calm all the time. Eventually it passed. I am still alive.
Tuesday was better. Although, I do have a very miserable 8 year old at home who just had her tonsils out. She doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere. She hates being sick and she was bored. Much of the same for the rest of the week add in a 5 year old boy on Tuesday and Thursday. My charming yet ever more mischievous son. Finally on Friday everyone goes to school and I can have a quiet day to unwind until at 10:30 am the phone rings and it's middle daughter saying she's sick and needs to come home. FML. This is where I loose it. I have to shut down and get out before I say stupid things and piss everyone off and yell at kids and nag and complain and have an overall mental health breakdown. I go get her, and banish her to her room…she is not sick. Long story made less long, I end up pissing off my husband by my inability to communicate. I am silent and to him it's rude and he has reached his tolerance level for the week. He needs a break. We spend as much time together as we can but I know I wear on him lately and He tries harder than I'd ever expect anyone to and I don't deserve it. He really tries to keep the house running with the kids and everything when I check out. But sometimes it just gets to be too much.
Today was too much for both of us. So I am alone and sad and embarrassed and kind of angry and…lost.
Too much information? Maybe – wouldn't be the first time. 🙂
I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to look forward to things again and have fun and BE fun again. But I know that making changes takes time and patience. It's almost as hard for our loved ones as it is for us to go through it. As wonderful as he is I still don't think he really completely gets it. Understandable…I'm complicated.