I find that night is the worst time. Well, whenever I\'m worked up by a small situation, it seems to expand and expand in relevance when it comes to the night.

I get in bed and the moment I shut my eyes the entire world fills my mind. It\'s not usually the good things though… Although, having said that, I met a really nice guy the other day and all I\'ve done is worry myself with it. It seems I can only focus on the things he didn\'t say or do… like, he didn\'t text me back and why? I dont think, oh he gave me his number, he text me quite a lot to start with… nope. My mind is a pessimistic nightmare and I count it as a seperate entity to me a lot of the time.

I used to go out with a guy for over a year and then it ended. I always used to get paranoid and worked up whenever we had issues. I\'m started to think that perhaps men are my anxious trigger… quite funny really. I\'m really looking for love these days and I shouldn\'t be, it shouldn\'t be important to me. I\'ve just got too much of myself inside and I want to share it. (I sound horrifically cheesy right now) but as I sit here and ponder this thought, I\'m realising i\'m anxious about love. I have two older sisters, they\'re considerably older, who are both getting married this year. No wonder I\'m desperate for a man, I\'ve got that youngest child issue, I\'m trying to keep up!

I should say here, that I\'ve got GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) and it sweeps through me every couple of months, or so it did until recently. I\'ve found that since I\'ve moved home for a few weeks, that my anxiety is weekly. Every small topic riddles me with doubts and fears. To the point now that I will be quite happily about to go to bed and i\'ll start getting clammy and twitchy – which is how I know i\'m spirally away from reality. I should also say, that I don\'t take any medication, I was told I had this two years ago, but didn\'t come to terms with it and assumed I could sort myself out. I could do with some advice on how to approach a doctor for help though… as i\'ve lost all hope with getting help now.

Anyway, my mind will forever be with me. It\'s already like my husband, it\'s there till death do us part – and even then it\'ll probably torment me! I\'m concluding that I don\'t need a man right now, they\'ll only give my head some more niggling little things to concern itself with.

Beck x


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