This morning I couldn’t handle it. I woke up at 5.30am and couldn’t get back to sleep. So I did some banking for a little while and got my finances back in order – it kept me occupied. However when it got to around seven and the rest of the house started to wake up I couldn’t deal with it. I was frustrating to hear the happy voices in the morning when I was in tears in my room. I jumped in the car and drove to a nearby park.

One of my housemates heard me leaving and tried to say goodbye. She saw me crying and I think I freaked her out a little. As I was walking to my car she called out to me but I kept walking. Later on as I was bawling my eyes out in my car she sent me a text message. I read it but I didn’t reply for a few hours.

I had to duck back to my parents place to print out an application form and I thought I could do it while everybody was asleep. However as I was about to leave I began to feel a little bit guilty about it so I decided to say hello. My parents are currently overseas and my sister and my grandma are living in my parents place.

When I saw my sister she asked if I got her message. Message? I had just come over to grab a piece of paper and then post it off, I knew nothing about a message. It turns out that my sister had called my house an hour earlier to see if I could come over and look after my grandma. My grandma had the flu and my sister had to work – and if I didn’t look after her then my sister could cancel her shift and stay home to do it.

I haven’t often felt like hitting people. But this morning I was very close to punching my sister square in the face. Looking after my grandma was the last thing I wanted to do. My goal for the day was to post a letter and bake a banana and custard apple cake (no whisky in this one). In the end I agreed to look after her – it’s not like I had much else to do anyway.

So I babysat my grandmother for a while and I ended up baking the cake at my parents place. Once the cake was out of the oven I started to lose it again. I ended up trying to sneak out while my grandma was asleep (she wasn’t that sick), but as I was putting my shoes on the phone rang. It was my parents; just calling to let everybody know that they were safe in London. Great. I’ll just put you on to my grandma shall I?

While my grandma was talking on the phone I made a few bye-bye signals and left her to it. This might sound a little callous, but I’m sure my grandma didn’t enjoy me hanging around. On the way home I made a quick stop to the same park I started in and had a quick cry.

Once I got home the same housemate who saw me in the morning (housemate A) was getting ready to go out. We exchanged a few words and then she left. I watched a few episodes of D-Gray Man (I’m only up to ep 21) and then had a quiet tipple and settled in to MGS4.

When my housemate got home from her thing (it was a work function) we had another chat. I’ve never cried in front of her before so it was a bit different. We talked about work etc. etc. but it didn’t seem like a lot happened. After we had finished our little heart to heart I didn’t feel like playing on the PS3 anymore (I could hardly see anyway). As my housemate went to bed she called out good night. I didn’t answer.

When I didn’t answer she poked her head in my room to make sure I was ok. I was hunched over on my bed crying. “You look like you’re going to throw up. Do you need a bucket?”. Thoughtful girl really.

Once she was in her room and her light was off I snuck off and went for a walk. I was lying against a sign on the edge of a park when I thought, ‘ If I’m just going to sit here and cry then I could at least do it in my own bed’. So I started walking back home.

Earlier than night my housemate asked if she could pray for me. I told her no (because I knew she was going to pray whether I liked it or not). And as I was curled up against that sign I was also praying.

What I didn’t expect though, was to see my sister’s car outside my house when I arrived. She saw me walking up the street as she was about to get back in her car. Sometimes God works quickly (and then He ignores your prayers and goes with what He wants instead).

So my sister and I had another little chat. Tonight I’ve decided that I don’t care if I cry in front of people – although I could give the snot a miss. She wants me to see a GP, or a councillor or something. That was always on the cards, but I wanted to do it after I’d finished up the paperwork for my quarry manager’s ticket. While there’s nothing stopping me from quitting my job and still getting the ticket it was just a matter of principle.

But it would appear that God is conspiring against me to cut my career short. My sister also asked if she could pray for me. I declined the offer and then she proceeded to do it anyway. So now I’ve got two people and a big arse deity trying to sort my life out.

I should really count that as three people but I’d still like to finish off my job on a positive note rather than getting a letter from the doc. I hate the fact that my depression doesn’t run on my time. I know its ridiculous trying to put it in a box and say “I will have a breakdown in the middle of August”, but it would provide me with a lot more stability.

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