Today was my third day at my new data entry/invoicing job. The first two days weren't too horrible. The first day I was just watching the girl who does it now and taking notes. The second day their system basically screwed up so I kinda just organized papers and sat there doing nothing. Today was supposed to be my first day of actually doing the invoices while my trainer watches me. Well, as I was in the parking lot ready to go into work, my trainer texted me and said she wasn't able to make it in to work today and that I'd probably be training with the boss. This immediately sent me into a panic. I already have problems with nervousness when someone is watching me do something that I don't know how to do, but to have HIM watching me scared me to death. He intimidates me. He never smiles, never really makes a joke, and he's always coming up to me trying to teach me stuff and it never sinks in. I just get completely lost when he talks. He has this idea that I'm more knowledgable than I actually am. SO, I ended up having a full blown panic attack in the car before going in. I decided that I was way too scared to go in and train with him because I'd be a nervous wreck all day, so I went inside and spoke with him and told him that I wanted to request the day off because of a family issue.
I feel really disappointed in myself, especially since my boyfriend and the girl training me hooked me up with this job. I'm sure once I get the hang of it I'll be okay, but it's the first few weeks of not knowing what I'm doing, having to ask questions, etc that always throw me for a loop. I pray that my boss isn't mad at me, or doesn't think I'm a complete slacker. I told the girl training me about my panic attack this morning and she said she'll stay late with me tomorrow when it's more quiet so I can get a better feel for what I'm doing. It's so nice of her. I'm still nervous though. I like her and care what she thinks, so if I blank from nerves and do stupid crap over and over, I'll feel like a complete idiot.
*sigh* All in all I feel depressed. I wish I could cope with situations like most other people can. I feel like a loser.
You shouldn't feel like a "loser". Change is VERY difficult for people with anxiety, and starting a new job certainly is a big change! I applaud you for making the effort to even work!!! I also totally understand having your boss watching over your shoulder making you anxious. When I was able to work, I also had that problem, especially at training classes in front of a whole group of people who often knew more than I did. IMHO, you showed a lot of inner strength telling your co-worker about your Anxiety Disorder. And I feel she must think very highly of you if she is willing to work late to help you learn a new skill. Not many people would do that. Be proud of what you have accomplished so far, believe in yourself, and I think you'll do fine. Best of Luck to you! Leslie 8)