this is the letter i gave to my the-rapist today, who i like and respect…who is the only one that has shown me respect, but i have to get out of there for my own well being…
To *** FitzIrishMcGee (now I won't confuse your name with my old friend)
I no longer feel safe as a patient at F.E.G.S. Because two psychiatrists have lied to me in the past few months I can only conclude that they are capable of doing this on a larger scale, endangering me further. For months I have been honest about what I am going through and I actually thought I could feel better with the help of professionals. I forgot how narcissistic doctors are, how delicate their egos are…more than me, even. I suspect my average intellect and my above average critical thinking skills have made me the enemy. I am not allowed to disagree or have input in my recovery without being snapped at and reminded, so arrogantly, how they went to school and got a PHD. This happened again Friday with Dr. _________I have been lied to again and again about Celexa and Lexapro being the same when the structural and molecular formulas are so clearly different. I took Celexa and it made me feel anxious, agitated and unfocused. Lexapro made me feel the opposite. No psychiatrist has allowed me to state this. I liked Lexapro but the insurance stopped covering it so I’m supposed to automatically go back to Celexa cause some stranger with a degree says it's the same. FUCK THAT!!!
Back in 2000 I was having a panic attack in my psychiatrists room (Oswego, NY). I was upset because I felt I was being over-prescribed Xanax. When I reached for a tissue he said I tried to attack him and had me admitted to the psychiatric unit. Everyone believed him. That same thing could happen again at F.E.G.S, and we all know what happens when it's a normal person's word against a mentally ill person's word. I do not trust anyone at F.E.G.S. and would not be surprised to find myself in that situation again.
I have put up with the disrespect, dehumanizing, and lies for far too long. Now I feel unsafe so I think the most logical thing for me to do is discontinue treatment. Despite going to F.E.G.S. at least once a week for months to sort out my own problems I was just lectured by Dr. Chuang about me not complying and speaking to my therapist about what is going on….fucking mind boggling is what that is, wouldn't you say? And Dr. Zeoli accused me of the same thing. What more can I possible do with you as my therapist. You spend more time with me then is necessary. Do you even have a 2:30 appointment ever? I have opened up greatly to you and I know you wouldn't disagree, but your doctors do. It's fucking outrageous the way I am being treated.
Saturday when I called to see if I could see Dr. Chuang I was hung up on by Angie, the receptionist. Before she hung up on me she did manage to get upset with me by stating “you won't call the help line so I don't know what you want”. She said nothing of a helpline and I knew nothing of a helpline and yet I was being accused of not even calling it before I could decide not to call it myself.
You are NOT like the people that work at F.E.G.S. I truly and perhaps naively believe you care and treat everyone with respect and dignity, but the fact of the matter is you are employed by them. You are a representation of them. You are F.E.G.S. and I’ve suffered too much emotionally because of the treatment I receive at F.E.G.S. I have real issues that need to be dealt with that have gone completely neglected by the revered and almighty doctors. I have spent more time dealing with anxiety and anger caused by F.E.G.S. then I have dealing with the underlying reason I broke down in November, which was simply anxiety and fear of losing my job over it. Have I grown an extra chromosome or has F.E.G.S. completely complicated everything, turning me into the reason I am not getting better? What the hell kind of treatment is that?
Over the past few months I have been to overwhelmed by my anxiety and life to realize how unnecessary and fucking insane this whole thing is. I've done nothing wrong here but try and seek help. I've been honest about everything to everybody. F.E.G.S. certainly can't say the same.
The only reason I went Saturday is because my mother and my friend both said they would speak for me and protect me. The fact that I said I wouldn't go unless I had an attorney or protective third party there is ridiculous for a place that is supposed to support and empower the mentally ill. The fact that “lawyering up” even crossed my mind scares the shit out of me. But more then that it has brought me to the only right conclusion there is. I am not safe at F.E.G.S. and I am right not to trust anyone there anymore. The disrespect, lying and dehumanizing is growing exponentially worse.
You told me several sessions ago that if I needed to go somewhere else that you could help me find a place for me. If you can do that or set me up with someone who can do that I would really appreciate that. If not I will continue my treatment at F.E.G.S. until I find a place that has some ethical values. I cannot participate in my psychiatric recovery so I will not participate in the therapeutic part either. Sucks for me cause I really like you, but the thought of being unprotected, in that building is out of the question right now. Unless we can meet in the parking lot of the 7-Eleven down the road i'm not spending more than 2 minutes in that building right now without a third party.
So, consider this my letter of resignation. I'm fucking done with your people…They really are dicks.
I am willing to come in to see you one more time so that you can tell me how to go about getting treatment at another place. You told me you could do that. Please tell me you were not lying?