My depression was gradually starting to take a nose dive but now it seems like it’s in full dive and I keep getting closer and closer to crashing. I’m BARELY hanging by a thread. I told my therapist everything and I showed him my journal (my recent entries were very disturbing and worrisome). To be frank, I’ve been feeling extremely suicidal and I’ve started self mutilating regularly (even at work, and I’ve NEVER done that before-it’s not me). It’s not nearly as bad when I’m hanging out with someone or when I’m around people that I like, but it’s been especially bad during work and at night when I’m in my apartment by myself. I lay on the floor and cry, I rock back and forth, I stare off into space without moving an inch for more than an hour or too, my weight is all over the place, and I hardly ever sleep. When I’m in a good mood or having fun, I’m so frantic to hang onto it that I start acting obnoxiously positive/goofy/energetic/etc. and I know people have noticed.
told my therapist everything and I showed him my journal (my recent entries are a bit disturbing and worrisome). He stayed calm and composed, but I could see him [figuratively] sweating. You know it’s bad when your counselor gets scared. At first, he was thinking that I should go to the hospital immediately or that he would call someone into the office from the main branch to evaluate me. However, I begged him to let me try to make it through the week because my best friend and I planned a trip for this coming weekend that we’ve been working on for months and I’m thinking it will be a fun break from everything. He was reluctant to agree, but he said it DID make him feel better to know that I have at least one thing that I’m looking forward to- a purpose of sorts. When he asked me what my plan for suicide would be I told him about the fact that I’ve been stockpiling my refills for my prescription sleeping meds instead of taking them every night like I’m supposed to (they make me to groggy to function during work). He put a ban in the system so that doctors cannot prescribe me sleep aids and then he called my boyfriend and let him know that I had them in my house and asked if he would help me clean them out and take them to the police station (which he was more than happy to do, he said that he was really proud of me, so that was nice). ALSO, I am to call the office’s 24 hour suicide hotline every night before 9 p.m. to check in, let them know I’m safe, and talk about what’s on my mind. I have to do that until he decides I’ve improved, and honestly, I think that’s fair. Instead of once-a-week hour-long meetings with him, I will have an hour long meeting once a week and a 30-minute meeting later in the week to check-in in person.
All of these plans that we have in place are just to make sure that I’m okay until after my trip. When I get back, and if I’m still having suicidal thoughts, I agreed to go to the hospital. I know it’s the right thing to do, I’m just so scared. Even in this blog, I’ve barely scraped the tip of the iceberg regarding how severe my thoughts have been. I’m truly afraid of myself. I know I need help. I’m not even on medicine because I don’t have a psychiatrist at the moment and I’m on a 2-month wait list. That’s too long to wait, I need treatment NOW. I’m just so scared. It all feels pointless because even if I get help and eventually feel better, it’s all just going to happen again in a few years or so. No one will ever want to spend their life with me. My sweetheart is happy to support me now and says that he’s not going anywhere and that he knows what he signed on for, but I can’t imagine that he would be okay with this forever. It has got to be exhausting for him and it’s not fair. He deserves better than that. I don’t know…I’m rambling now. I’m just scared.