It’s February 1st, I resent this month to no end I’ve had 3 traumatic events that have made me hate this month. I’m in a better head space at the moment, my stomach is in knots but I’m not struggling to breathe and shutting down. I think that has a lot to do with me not speaking to my sister or seeing my sister. For the first time in a really long time even though it’s been 2 weeks this is the first time I don’t have someone constantly putting me down. For the first time I don’t have this tiny terror constantly in my ear remind me that I’m a bad person or a failure. And it feels good, I feel good. I’m in my early 20s and it’s a nightmare to think of being in my 30s or 40s still having my tiny terror sister still using me as a punching bag.  She can twist the situation anyways she wants with her friends and boyfriend. God knows she loves to tell them how awful we can be to her not realizing her own fault. We went to New York as a family vacation which has never happened in all of my life because we never had those kinds of funds. She was on better behavior until the fourth day. I had a cold and we were going to Central Park, but I woke up later than expected. So I told my parents I’d be ready in 15 minutes. As I was leaving to the hotel lobby, my sister was angry I was leaving without her. She takes a really long time to do anything, she’s late to everything and I know this. I knew it would be another hour until she was ready. So she started screaming, belittling me because I wouldn’t wait for her. It’s always like this any little thing she’d scream or put me down in some way. The last two weeks of not speaking to her it’s never been so quiet and I could get used to it.


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