I feel very much like I live in my head. Everything I do I go over and over in my head. Inside my head, there are waves of emotion, thoughts and ideas, yet I feel asthough I can never let these out.
What stops me? Mostly fear. Fear that I’ll say something wrong. Fear that someone will see me for what I really am. I don’t know what I am. I’m so lost and confused. I sit there and go over and over trying to work out what or who I am, and after hours of thought, I still don’t know.
My head is my safe place. I can say what ever I like in my head, and no one can judge me for it. I find myself when trying to talk to people about feelings or anything, freezing up. I start a sentance, then just stop. Like I’d say " I just feel.. " then I’d stop. I then say something like " it doesn’t matter". I know that this must drive people insane. I can’t let things out of my head. They are trapped in this steel reinforced cage, and they can’t get out.
If I say what goes around in my head, what will happen? Will I be free? Or will I be stuck in my cage that is called my head forever? How do people be so open.
I never have a quite head. There is aways thoughts going round and round. Then one will leave, and another will take its place for a while. The only time that my head is clear is when I’m drinking. It just shuts my head up. Even if its only for a short while. I am affraid when i drink that I will reveal the true me. My mouth runs. That period after the first few drinks, thats when I talk. Then when i’m drunk, Its just .. quiet. The bad thoughts go away and i’m left with just fun and happy thoughts until I sober up.
When I go to buy some alcohol. I’m craving the silence. Just for that short while. That peace. That escape from the real me. The mask comes off for just a little while. I can breathe. I can smile. The release is what I crave. So I go after it. Again and again. Almost every day. I have to breathe.