I’m not sure if anyone will read this but I’m very sorry that the following rant is negative. I’m in a dark place and i just need to get it out.
I’m being consumed by my eating disorder again. great. Heres a little random background from the past few years…
I was diagnosed with anorexia in late 2017 and hospitalised for 5 weeks. I went into outpatient treatment and was at CYMHS for the next few years until mid year 10, I think in 2018. I maintained a healthy (*fat in my eyes*) weight for agggeeess. Had a relapse in late 2018 and was hospitalised to medical ward after loosing A LOT of weight in a very short time. I was sick mentally and physically but refused to believe it. I pretended i was “okay” and “compliant” and ate all my meals and stuffed everyone around so I didn’t get transferred to the psych ward. thats classic ED deception and manipulation for you i guess.
I was discharged in early december after 5 days with the full intent to go back into my old ways. I did for a few days but then began to love food again. I ate normally for the rest of that year and a few months into 2019. I maintained a healthy weight.
However these past few weeks I’ve been going downhill quite a bit. Not just weight, but mentally mainly I would say. My eating is disordered but I don’t think I’m underweight (yet) as it is more progressive and slow going this time. I think that is bad news. In the past it has been usually I stop eating properly very suddenly and my weight plummets very quickly – i usually get hospitalised. Then I get out and usually manage to eat. But this time I’m going downhill more gradually and it sure is sticking around. It’s been around for about a month now and its bad bad mentally.
I’m sick of this. I’m sick of all the deception and lies and food in my underpants and throwing stuff away. I’m sick of the false smiles and fake happy manner. I’m tired of the hunger and the panic over saturated fat and carbs and sugar and ice cream and junk. I’m tired of feeling sick and not feeling sick enough and wanting to die. Im sick of ruining everyones life and making my own life miserable. I’m tired of feeling fat and ugly and not good enough – but i feel like losing weight will make my life so much happier. I feel like i’ll have friends and people will like me and i will be happy and not depressed. deep down i know this is not really true but i can’t stop believing it and i can’t stop the deception and hiding food i’m going downhill i know it’s bad but i just cant stop, i’m so sorry everyone.
I want to change but I so so want to stay the same. I want to lose weight and feel happy and in control. But I want to change the world and help others but how can i do that when I can’t even deal with my own stuff? I don’t want to waste my life but I think I’m wasting it already. I don’t want to live an eating disorder life full of deception and hospitalisations and lies and no food. But I kind of do want to. I just have to, I can’t explain why. I’m sad and I’m so tired. I’m scared I’ll be 1 in 5, but I kind of feel like I don’t really mind if i am. Sometimes i want to die but that voice tells me i can only die if I’m thin, thats why I’m still living i guess. That and because i have an amazing new friend who is struggling and i want to be a good friend.
I don’t know why I wrote this, I just feel kinda bad and gross. I’m sorry for the rant – it’s very ranty and i sound self-obsessed and stupid. I’m really sorry.