its been a whirlwind of the past 3 months i tell ya. I had made a decision to stay single, get right with me, get in touch with who i really am.  I am on this amazing spiritual journey that has transformed me so freakin much over the past 4 years. The steps are amazing……coupled w/ lots-o-therapy, a beautiful fellowship, and a shitload of honesty, openmindedness, and willingness…..all of this has allowed me to be the best human i can be.  Im doing the best with what i have before me at this very moment.

that being said, i met a girl on myspace. ya. i did it. saw a cute girl w/ a guitar and started a convo. man, im a sucker for a cute girl w/ a guitar.  anyhoo…. i am in this whirlwind of a relationship that has swept me off my feet. its absolutely beautiful. i've been told by ppl that love and care about me that its like im in addict mode tho with this girl.  i can see it…. the obsession w/ her that i have is overwhelming. she consumes me. we connect on a level that i didnt think i'd ever connect with someone again….. yanno?  like, i had this relationship that i held all relationships up to and none of em EVER CAME CLOSE to comparing to my first true love.  my first true love left me b/c im an addict. BROKE MY FUCKING HEART. but i've connected again…and it feels even deeper than this relationship that i've set as my standard for "true love."  im scared. i know we're moving fast.  but we've covered territory in our conversations and life situations that have come up in the first 3 months of our relationship that ppl dont get to in years if EVER.   I'm working w/ my therapist, bouncing shit offa her and ppl close to me as to my boundaries.  i dont skip mtgs or anything just to spend time w/ her.  my recovery comes first b/c w/o that, w/o mtgs…..THIS IS ONE CRAZY BIATCH.   i lose perspective and any modicum of serenity in no time flat.  so, im really really reallllllly trying hard to be mindful of my boundaries, acting out on selfwill, keeping up on my journalling, meditating, and not losing myself in this relationship.  i lose me pretty easily. dont wanna but it seems to happen w/o my consent or knowledge.  so thats a huge thing in my life…. a beautiful gift.

then theres my sister who is an active alcoholic. was sober for 3 years then about 1.5yrs ago started drinkin again. blamed her jackass husband who she shouldda left a LONG time ago b/c the two of them are TOXIC together. Financial woes, 2 kids, way manipulative mother in law, and her husband is a sick fuck. likes to pound on her, and torture her psychologically. theres a LOT to that story but suffice to say its beyond dysfunctionally abusive. Where im having a hard time is watching it. My mom died 2.5yrs ago at the age of 50. literally drank herself to death. my sis and i had grown up watching her date a parade of men, watched/listened to them beat her and belittle her. watched her alcoholism progress.  watched as she lost her mind to the paranoid prison her mind became. watched as she became a recluse, couldnt work, couldnt do her art, couldnt even write her own name……….. took her to the er when she'd seize and shit herself cuz she did TRY to stop drinking on her own.  but it was too late. she couldnt catch that tiny glimpse of hope…it was just out of her reach.  She too was in an abusive marriage. at the end her husband, also an alcoholic with alzeimers….GREATTTT combo,  lived downstairs pissing in containers and only going upstairs to shit, while mom holed up in the upstairs. they didnt speak really. well, my stepdad hadnt seen my mom in about 4 or 5 days but he heard the tv on upstairs so he thought she was fine… until he started smelling something. She had died in 90degree weather upstairs no a/c and was completely decomposed.  had to be identified thru dental records.   so i have this bullshit in the back of my mind as i see my sister doing the exact same fucking things. neglecting her kids as we were, staying in abusive relationship, drinking, getting paranoid, delusional, house in foreclosure, not going to work cuz she's too drunk. Its like watching my mom all over again.  i used to run in and save her….give her money, bail her outta jail, buy her cigs, gas, food, come running when she tells me she's scared that mike's gonna come back and hurt her, change the locks on her doors, etc. What i didnt realize is i was enabling her.  so i've WAY backed off and that is really hard. she's my sister but she's also a fellow addict. she needs to take personal responsibility for what she's doing and she never will if there are no consequences. I CANT SAVE HER JUST LIKE I COULDNT SAVE MY MOM.   my sis is kinda trying but she's not openminded so she's having a hard time. she's not willing. shes NOT DONE in my opinion. no one else can make her sick and tired of being sick and tired except her.  at that point i will help her as much as i can. but right now i need to protect me and the nanobit of serenity and recovery i have. she stresses my ass out. i've stopped answering her calls b/c she's drinking most of the time. i dont answer her manipulative texts for money and help. i told her i can take her to a meeting. that is all i can and am willing to do at this point. maybe some food so the kids can eat. i get sucked in too much…..b/c i have no effective boundaries. why should i tho? where would i have learned those growing up how i did? Its sad that im just learning personal boundaries at 33yo. but better late than never.

then i just rented out space that i dont have in my head to a 20yr old addict. i didnt know she was high as FUCK when she started attacking me via texts. i was really hurt and extremely pissed.  what right did she have?????  i never did anything to her! but i was the first person to txt her back and apparently she felt the need to tell me how it is.  i later found out that her life just went to hell, and she was scared and angry and confused and just looking for someone to blame…..someone to put down so she could feel better about herself….while extremely high. so now i understand where she's coming from but it doesnt make her behavior acceptable.  i have more respect for myself today than to take abuse like that from anyone. damnit i hate active addiction…."drugs had the power to change us into someone we didnt want to be.." So i got sucked into an active addicts world of drama and delusion b/c i care about her and love her as an addict.  i sent her an email telling her i loved her, i'd pray for her, but do not call me/textme/email me until you are clean. told her she needed help. i tried really hard to write the email w/ compassion instead of attacking and belittling b/c i was so hurt. my friend read it, said it was really good….said "i could tell you were pissed but it was a good thing. you said some really good things." but yet im still spinning about it in my head. im trying to just let it go but i keep thinking of her….  i feel soooooo bad for her!  so theres that.

then theres starting a new job which is a very good thing, yet not without stress.  im looking for a place to move in w/ my girl so thats stressful. its cold as fuck here in milwaukee and its that time of year my mood just takes a nosedive. but i'm goin thru. thats all we can do, right?  Do the next right thing for the right reason? keep putting one foot in front of the other? stay vigilant? avoid complacency? go to meeting? pray? meditate? journal? work steps? fellowship? talk? im doing the best i can. i have amazing ppl in my life. im very grateful for my life and everything in it. i truly believe in my heart that everything…EVERYTHING happens for a reason. i may not know  the reason….i dont need to cuz shit aint up to me anyway. thats my hps job. every experience makes me stronger, teaches me something, makes me who i am. good or bad experience. i may not like it, in fact i may hate it, but it may be what I need at that time to learn whatever it is i need to learn. im hardheaded that way. maybe one day i wont need to experience pain to learn a lesson? lol. ya, i'll pray on it.

so im scared for my sister. im excited about my relationship. i will forage on with this spiritual journey b/c it is so beautiful.

thanx for listening if anyone reads this.


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