Well I have returned after taking a day trip yesterday to visit the college that I'm looking into. It was fantastic!! It was small enough where I'd still be comfortable in class and the campus grounds are beautiful! They have a lovely town surrounding the campus and everyone there seems really nice. I definitely want to go there. However, nothing is ever that easy….
So during my visit, I met with the head of the music dept. about their program. It seems like alot of work, but I love music so much that I really don't see it as work. I know I have to audition to get accepted and I have been working very hard with my private tutor and my therapist to prepare me both physically and mentally to take on something that I have run away from so many times before. I had decided to go for jazz guitar and picked out a piece to play and began practicing. My therapist was proud of me and reccomended that I play in front of a few members of my family tonight to prepare myself for the audition. But upon meeting the head of the music dept and telling her what my skill level was on guitar, she seemed hesitant about my audition. I have also played trombone since I was 7, but I don't practice that as much as I do guitar. And yet I can read the music and sight read notes better than on guitar. I had lessons on trombone for about 8-9 years and on guitar I'm self taught which means my skill level is "primative" compared to some who has had lessons. Now I feel like I should audition for trombone, but that means I'm back to square one. My therapist will tell me its my OCD being indecisive to protect me from going through the audition, when really its because now I'm WAY too scared to play on guitar, and think maybe I should stick with trombone. I only have until March 15 to audition, which doesn't give me much time. Meanwhile I have TONS of homework that I should be doing, meetings to organize and attend, papers to write, a project due – and this audition has taken a HUGE chunk of my time and worry.
If I don't keep up with my grades, I won't graduate and all this will be a mute point. But if I don't practice for the audition or simply don't audition, my life comes to a stand still, everything that I've planned goes down the drain…..and I'm not sure what I'd do if that happened. This is a really big deal for me. Life changing. If I screw this up now…I don't even want to know what would happen.
[b]My therapist will tell me its my OCD being indecisive to protect me from going through the audition, when really its because now I'm WAY too scared to play on guitar,[/b]
It does kind of sound to me like you're finding some sort of excuse. Of course, I can't state much, as I'd probably be feeling just as anxious and as stressed as you in that situation! It's also probably your OCD telling you that the head of the music department didn't appear thrilled about you attempting guitar. Or, perhaps of your anxiety, you were unable to 'sell' your skills effectively.
I understand that this is easier said-then-done, but stick with the guitar. If it fails, you still have the trambone! And you'll feel a big sense of accomplishment and pride for following through. 🙂
I look forward to reading about your decision and I really hope that you choose to stick with what you and your therapist have decided!!! I send you all of my luck and confidence!