I don't know what I want anymore and I don't know what to do. So I don't want anything and I don't do anything.

I fantasize about winning the lottery a lot. My boyfriend thinks that's the saddest fantasy anyone could have. Or, at least, the most pathetic. Like a hopeless resignation. Giving up on trying anything because you'd rather it all fell into your lap. The easy way out. But there's nothing I want to work hard enough at in order to earn that money. I hate working. I hate school, too. I don't want to get my masters degree and I don't want toget my doctorate. I don't want to do anything hard. I want the easy way out. I want it to fall into my lap. I'm hopelessly resigned for disappointment. One day I'll learn how to play the lottery.

I like to imagine winning ridiculous amounts, too. Like three billion dollars. Basically, a high enough number that even if I did win in real life, I'd still be disappointed. I'm always setting myself up for failure.

But, if I won three billion dollars, the first thing I'd do is pay off everyone's debt. My parent's debt, my grandma's, both of my sister's, and my friend's hospital bills. Plus mine. Then I'd get everyone a new car and my mom a chauffeur, because she doesn't drive. I'd set up my mom with a Doggy Daycare business because that's what she wanted years ago but we couldn't find a building we could afford. I'd give her money to set up a charity for animals and get involved withcauses she cares so much about. I'd set up my dad with his own tax firm or whatever he wanted to do, maybe a place where he could teach guitar like he used to do before he had kids.I'd get him a studio where he and his band could record. Anything he wanted. I'd set up my sister with her own interior design company. I'd set up my other sister with her own physical therapy office. I'd get my family the best doctors and health care. I'd get them houses where ever they wanted to live.

We'd travel. We'd eat good food.

I'd drop out of school and quit my job. I'd buy a house here in Pennsylvania, an apartment in L.A., an apartment in New York, a house in Colorado, and maybe a place in Greece and another place in France. I would see the world with my boyfriend. Maybe I'd still take classes at my leisure. A language, a writing course, dancing, cooking, piano.

I would be happy.

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